I'm just enjoying resting at home at the moment, I've been sleeping for like, days & I haven't really been bothered to do much. Anaesthetic has floored me once again!
I'm feeling really happy with my new shape now, the implants are starting to settle down & are looking more natural now but I do still have one drain in.
I was at the dressings clinic on Tuesday where one of my drains was removed, the other drain has been swapped to a smaller bottle with less of a vacuum on it but it still seems pretty active. The top & bottom of it is that, I'm not expecting to go back to work next week but I'm hoping I'll be back there the week after. I'm incredibly bored & impatient to 'get back to normal'.
I'm slightly uncomfortable, I've got the usual symptoms you'd expect after breast surgery, my arms are tingling & a bit achy, especially the right one as the more invasive surgery was on my right breast, the site where the drain is fixed is tender & I'm getting the odd painful twinge in the breast itself. It's all part of the course but I'm feeling better & stronger every day.
I'm waiting for an ultrasound scan so that my surgeon can check that the strattice is where it should be & to 'see what it's doing'.
I'm looking forward to getting out with my sister & our children at the weekend, I'm feeling a bit more mobile now that I've got a lighter drain to carry around & only one of the f*ckers although, we're gonna have to go somewhere where I can mainly be sat down!
My amazing mum is still coming over about 3 times a day with meals for me & she's still washing my hair for me too! It's a pain in the ass being dependant on other people but I think we've done this enough times now to just get on with it as best we can & keep things as normal as possible for my 5 year old.
Anyway, like I said, I'm just chillaxing at the moment, I'm finding it quicker & easier to update my facebook page at the moment, even though I'm at home & not doing much, I'm enjoying doing different things & I'm kinda trying to step away from the laptop a little bit these days.....
So, just a quick update for now, I'm recovering well, hopefully this scan will confirm that the strattice is fine where it is, I'm hoping that when I go back to the Dressings Clinic again on Tuesday I can have the final drain removed & then it's gonna be onwards & upwards from there!
In the meantime, all I can do is relax & not worry. And for once, I'm finding that quite easy to do. Back soon - I think!
Love
Chez. xx
P.S: If you follow the link for details on strattice, & scroll down the page, there's a video on the web page which shows exactly what procedure my surgeons have performed on me. I think it's both amazing & fascinating - but I realise it's not for everyone although it is an animation, not an actual operation! ;)
Thursday, 13 June 2013
Thursday, 6 June 2013
Happy Happy Happy!!! ♥
My sis told me today that I only blog these days when I want to moan!
Errrr.....looking back at my last few posts, I think she's right!
So, just so you know, I'm really, actually, very very happy right now!
Hence the lack of blog posts lately.....I haven't had anything to moan about!
Live life, laugh lots, love forever ♥
But above all....always be happy!
Love Chez. xx
Errrr.....looking back at my last few posts, I think she's right!
So, just so you know, I'm really, actually, very very happy right now!
Hence the lack of blog posts lately.....I haven't had anything to moan about!
Live life, laugh lots, love forever ♥
But above all....always be happy!
Love Chez. xx
Wednesday, 5 June 2013
Get Over It
I was recently told that I should 'stop talking about breast cancer & get over it now'.
It came from an unexpected quarter, I was kinda stung by it & it did shock me into silence. For about 5 minutes.
I was back at the Dressings Clinic yesterday, I was hoping to get the two drains - that I'd been lugging around with me for the past 12 days - taken out but, in reality, even before I got to the hospital I knew it wasn't gonna happen. I'm no doctor but even I could clearly see that they were still doing their job &, as I expected, my surgeon said I have to keep them in. For another week.
They're awkward to carry around, cumbersome & not very nice to look at but, if my surgeon says they need to stay in, then they're staying. It's still early days since I had my op & if the implant or the strattice fails, I'll be devastated. I've been prescribed more antibiotics & I've been signed off work for a further week. It's quite depressing as, once again, I'm in pain; I'm in recovery, I'm quite dependant on other people to do things for me & I myself, feel a bit useless.
So, all of the above just serves to show that, it'd be pretty impossible for me to stop talking about breast cancer or 'get over it' right now cos I'm pretty much in the thick of a major part of my treatment.
I'm sore & uncomfortable, although I'm off the strong meds now & this morning, after having had one dressing taken off yesterday & the other one changed, I've noticed that there's some leakage where my drains are so, at this very moment in time, I'm waiting for the district nurse to come out to check the wound. It's a bit shit.
There are plenty of other things that are shit too. All brought about by having breast cancer. The diagnosis & the subsequent treatment, has affected every part of my life.
Every single day I wake up & as I'm dressing, my mis-shapen, nipple-less right breast reminds me that I've had breast cancer. When I'm choosing what to wear, I feel limited in a way, I have to dress for my new shape, I have to wear things that aren't going to highlight the differences in the shape & size of my breasts.
I have to wear layers. I get to work & whilst my colleagues are frozen by the air conditioning, wearing scarves, cardigans & sometimes even their coats, I'm wearing short sleeves & sweating buckets.
I went back to work in January after almost 18 months off & it came as a shock to realise that my concentration levels are dramatically different than they were before I started taking Tamoxifen &, my short term memory is diabolical. I was aware that these were issues for me but I honestly thought that these problems felt worse than they actually were. I thought that I probably wasn't stimulated enough at home & that having work to concentrate on would show me that it was a temporary thing. How wrong I was.
I panicked. I wanted to leave my job almost straight away. I actually said to my - very patient & understanding - manager: "I think I'm in the wrong job. I can't cope. I'm rubbish at it."
He persuaded me that I just needed time to adjust to being back at work & he was right.
Realising that where once, I would have been amongst the people absolutely smashing their daily & weekly targets, I'm now kind of average. I'm hitting the targets & my work is passing all of the quality tests that are required but, it was like a short, sharp slap across the face to realise that this is my reality now. I have to really concentrate at work just to get the job done.
Damn side effects. If I hadn't had breast cancer, I wouldn't be taking Tamoxifen. If I wasn't taking Tamoxifen, I wouldn't have these problems.
Add to this, night sweats (oh yes, I still have them too), joint & muscle pain & fatigue amongst other shitty side effects, I feel a bit hard done to at times. It's frustrating, can be embarrassing & it downright wears you out at times.
But by far, the worst reminder that I have about breast cancer, or any kind of cancer come to that, is when I find out that one of my blogging friends has developed a secondary cancer or worse still, has actually succumbed to the disease & has passed away.
Every time I think 'Right, this is it. I really can start putting all of this behind me now', the stark reality of the fact that cancer is an incurable disease that may or may not come back, hits home. It drives me fucking mad.
I met up with my lovely friend Sarah on Monday. She's almost 6 years down the line from her initial diagnosis & is only now, starting to feel like she has some 'normality' back in her life.
We both agreed that the fact that we still have hospital appointments to keep, we have friends who are still going through treatment, our bodies are different to what they used to be, the side effects from the anti-cancer drugs are still impeding us in some ways for example, we still have to 'pace' ourselves or suffer 'burn out' cos we've done too much.....no, we agreed, it's not that simple to just 'get over it'.
Yes, you can put it to the back of your mind for a while. You can get on with everyday life to a certain extent. You can laugh, joke, spend time with friends & family, go to work, do your shopping, take a holiday.....you can do lots of things.
But it's never going to go away completely. It can't.
Not ever. Especially since I know that like myself, my daughter & my niece will be having the BRCA 1 & 2 test when they're older. It's all gonna be hanging around me & my family for a long time to come.....
Please don't get me wrong though. Apart from being in pain today, I'm in a pretty good place right now. I'm excited that surgery-wise, I'm almost done. I'm happy that I'll be able to wear a lot of the clothes that I'd banished to the back of my wardrobe. Soon I can go shopping & not be so restricted in what outfits I can buy. I'm particularly looking forward to buying normal bra's instead of the usual mastectomy & post-surgery bra's.....it'll be a few months before I can do this though.
I know that getting over my latest surgery isn't going to last forever. I should be driving again in the next couple of weeks, I'll be able to go back to work, I'll be able to do my own hoovering again, best of all, in 8 weeks time I can start training arms again.....so yeah, some semblance of 'normal' will return.
It's really hard to explain but, unless you've had that diagnosis....
So as I said. To stop talking about breast cancer & to get over it now is easier said than done.
I'm glad that by talking about it, other women (& men) have been more vigilant in checking their breasts. I'm glad that I've got people talking about breast cancer. I'm glad that in my own little way, I'm raising more awareness about it.
I've chosen to be open & honest about my breast cancer in the hope that it would help people to understand a bit more about the disease, help them to see it from a cancer patient's point of view, help them to realise that we do in fact, have struggles every day.
For some people also diagnosed with breast cancer, they may even be able to draw some comfort from the fact that someone (ie. me), is going through the same things & that a lot of the feelings they have are understandable & similar & that they are most definitely, not alone.
I want to encourage people to be more open about it themselves after all, 1 in 8 women is going to get this disease & that is a fact.
We all choose to deal with things differently, this is just my way. If it bothers you, then you know, you don't have to read this blog. You don't have to be my friend on Facebook or 'Like' my Facebook page. You don't have to follow me on Twitter.
You don't have to do anything but please don't EVER tell me to shut up about it or get over it.
In a lot of ways, having breast cancer has made me a stronger person. I'm less inclined to stress about the small things. A lot of 'stuff' goes over my head these days.
I still get a bit overwhelmed when I've got a lot of things going on at once, I still have to just stop & hold my hands up every now & again & say, 'I need some time out'.
But I really do feel like I've come a long way since my initial diagnosis & breast cancer is definitely taking more & more of a back seat in my life.
However, it's a daily battle when you take all of the above factors into account.
I don't want sympathy, never wanted it or needed it in fact.
I just want people to be aware.
Its not all as simple as it looks, it's not the 'best' cancer to have cos it can simply be 'cut away' (& believe me, I've heard that a few times, from educated people too).
I laugh & make a lot of jokes about being 'plastic fantastic', having 'cleavage for Christmas', having 'more boobage' (my Facebook friends see these things on my personal page all the time) but, in my heart of hearts, I'd actually give anything to go back to the way things were. I'd love to have my 'old' breasts back. I'd like to have the 'normal' worries that most people have. I'd like to have not had the last 15 months of my life turned absolutely upside down.
I have to joke about it or make light of it sometimes.....that's just my way of getting through it.
I'm just carrying on, for myself & my daughter, trying to make the best of 'the new normal.'
And if I want to talk about it, I bloody well will.
Nuff said methinks.
Love Chez. xx
It came from an unexpected quarter, I was kinda stung by it & it did shock me into silence. For about 5 minutes.
 |
| I wish it were that simple |
They're awkward to carry around, cumbersome & not very nice to look at but, if my surgeon says they need to stay in, then they're staying. It's still early days since I had my op & if the implant or the strattice fails, I'll be devastated. I've been prescribed more antibiotics & I've been signed off work for a further week. It's quite depressing as, once again, I'm in pain; I'm in recovery, I'm quite dependant on other people to do things for me & I myself, feel a bit useless.
So, all of the above just serves to show that, it'd be pretty impossible for me to stop talking about breast cancer or 'get over it' right now cos I'm pretty much in the thick of a major part of my treatment.
I'm sore & uncomfortable, although I'm off the strong meds now & this morning, after having had one dressing taken off yesterday & the other one changed, I've noticed that there's some leakage where my drains are so, at this very moment in time, I'm waiting for the district nurse to come out to check the wound. It's a bit shit.
There are plenty of other things that are shit too. All brought about by having breast cancer. The diagnosis & the subsequent treatment, has affected every part of my life.
Every single day I wake up & as I'm dressing, my mis-shapen, nipple-less right breast reminds me that I've had breast cancer. When I'm choosing what to wear, I feel limited in a way, I have to dress for my new shape, I have to wear things that aren't going to highlight the differences in the shape & size of my breasts.
I have to wear layers. I get to work & whilst my colleagues are frozen by the air conditioning, wearing scarves, cardigans & sometimes even their coats, I'm wearing short sleeves & sweating buckets.
I went back to work in January after almost 18 months off & it came as a shock to realise that my concentration levels are dramatically different than they were before I started taking Tamoxifen &, my short term memory is diabolical. I was aware that these were issues for me but I honestly thought that these problems felt worse than they actually were. I thought that I probably wasn't stimulated enough at home & that having work to concentrate on would show me that it was a temporary thing. How wrong I was.
I panicked. I wanted to leave my job almost straight away. I actually said to my - very patient & understanding - manager: "I think I'm in the wrong job. I can't cope. I'm rubbish at it."
He persuaded me that I just needed time to adjust to being back at work & he was right.
Realising that where once, I would have been amongst the people absolutely smashing their daily & weekly targets, I'm now kind of average. I'm hitting the targets & my work is passing all of the quality tests that are required but, it was like a short, sharp slap across the face to realise that this is my reality now. I have to really concentrate at work just to get the job done.
Damn side effects. If I hadn't had breast cancer, I wouldn't be taking Tamoxifen. If I wasn't taking Tamoxifen, I wouldn't have these problems.
Add to this, night sweats (oh yes, I still have them too), joint & muscle pain & fatigue amongst other shitty side effects, I feel a bit hard done to at times. It's frustrating, can be embarrassing & it downright wears you out at times.
But by far, the worst reminder that I have about breast cancer, or any kind of cancer come to that, is when I find out that one of my blogging friends has developed a secondary cancer or worse still, has actually succumbed to the disease & has passed away.
Every time I think 'Right, this is it. I really can start putting all of this behind me now', the stark reality of the fact that cancer is an incurable disease that may or may not come back, hits home. It drives me fucking mad.
I met up with my lovely friend Sarah on Monday. She's almost 6 years down the line from her initial diagnosis & is only now, starting to feel like she has some 'normality' back in her life.
We both agreed that the fact that we still have hospital appointments to keep, we have friends who are still going through treatment, our bodies are different to what they used to be, the side effects from the anti-cancer drugs are still impeding us in some ways for example, we still have to 'pace' ourselves or suffer 'burn out' cos we've done too much.....no, we agreed, it's not that simple to just 'get over it'.
Yes, you can put it to the back of your mind for a while. You can get on with everyday life to a certain extent. You can laugh, joke, spend time with friends & family, go to work, do your shopping, take a holiday.....you can do lots of things.
But it's never going to go away completely. It can't.
Not ever. Especially since I know that like myself, my daughter & my niece will be having the BRCA 1 & 2 test when they're older. It's all gonna be hanging around me & my family for a long time to come.....
Please don't get me wrong though. Apart from being in pain today, I'm in a pretty good place right now. I'm excited that surgery-wise, I'm almost done. I'm happy that I'll be able to wear a lot of the clothes that I'd banished to the back of my wardrobe. Soon I can go shopping & not be so restricted in what outfits I can buy. I'm particularly looking forward to buying normal bra's instead of the usual mastectomy & post-surgery bra's.....it'll be a few months before I can do this though.
I know that getting over my latest surgery isn't going to last forever. I should be driving again in the next couple of weeks, I'll be able to go back to work, I'll be able to do my own hoovering again, best of all, in 8 weeks time I can start training arms again.....so yeah, some semblance of 'normal' will return.
It's really hard to explain but, unless you've had that diagnosis....
I'm glad that by talking about it, other women (& men) have been more vigilant in checking their breasts. I'm glad that I've got people talking about breast cancer. I'm glad that in my own little way, I'm raising more awareness about it.
For some people also diagnosed with breast cancer, they may even be able to draw some comfort from the fact that someone (ie. me), is going through the same things & that a lot of the feelings they have are understandable & similar & that they are most definitely, not alone.
I want to encourage people to be more open about it themselves after all, 1 in 8 women is going to get this disease & that is a fact.
We all choose to deal with things differently, this is just my way. If it bothers you, then you know, you don't have to read this blog. You don't have to be my friend on Facebook or 'Like' my Facebook page. You don't have to follow me on Twitter.
You don't have to do anything but please don't EVER tell me to shut up about it or get over it.
In a lot of ways, having breast cancer has made me a stronger person. I'm less inclined to stress about the small things. A lot of 'stuff' goes over my head these days.
I still get a bit overwhelmed when I've got a lot of things going on at once, I still have to just stop & hold my hands up every now & again & say, 'I need some time out'.
But I really do feel like I've come a long way since my initial diagnosis & breast cancer is definitely taking more & more of a back seat in my life.
However, it's a daily battle when you take all of the above factors into account.
I don't want sympathy, never wanted it or needed it in fact.
I just want people to be aware.
Its not all as simple as it looks, it's not the 'best' cancer to have cos it can simply be 'cut away' (& believe me, I've heard that a few times, from educated people too).
I laugh & make a lot of jokes about being 'plastic fantastic', having 'cleavage for Christmas', having 'more boobage' (my Facebook friends see these things on my personal page all the time) but, in my heart of hearts, I'd actually give anything to go back to the way things were. I'd love to have my 'old' breasts back. I'd like to have the 'normal' worries that most people have. I'd like to have not had the last 15 months of my life turned absolutely upside down.
I have to joke about it or make light of it sometimes.....that's just my way of getting through it.
I'm just carrying on, for myself & my daughter, trying to make the best of 'the new normal.'
And if I want to talk about it, I bloody well will.
Nuff said methinks.
Love Chez. xx
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)