'D' (my counsellor), never told me to 'just go with it' - or 'just get on with it' either come to that matter - a good job really, I'd have thought that'd be a bit harsh coming from a counsellor.
But, I've had a really good week! After all my moaning in my last post F*ck Cancer, I've had three days in a row where I've had a bit more energy, been in a better mood & I've managed to get a few things done. By that I mean I've been 'putting my house in order' & trying to prepare for next week.
There are two major events next week. It's my birthday & my first day back at work. I'm trying to get organised so that next week is a breeze. I've been cleaning, washing ironing.....it's really taken my mind off thinking about cancer & hospital appointments. Even though I have a few appointments looming.
It's given me things to look forward to. Both important milestones really.
I've been off work for twelve weeks now & I can't wait to get back.
But I don't wanna talk about cancer all the time while I'm there.
It's hard not to talk about it in any situation because everyone always asks how I am & - because of this blog - people know a lot about what's happened to me since I was diagnosed. Like I said though, I'm bored of it all myself now, I really mean that. God knows how people around me feel!
So whilst I'm in company, I'm going to try to talk about other things & put cancer on the back burner for a while. My weekly counselling sessions - & this blog - are going to be the only two places where I'll go into stuff in detail......I'm trying to save myself here too; living in a 'cancer bubble' is just draining the life out of me. I've got to 'move on' a bit now.
I realise that this is gonna be hard for me to do. I always talk about what's happening in my life. But I'm just sick of feeling like I'm still dealing with the repercussions from things that have happened in the past. I've also realised that I feel like I'm always 'waiting for something to happen'.
It's like being in the film, 'Groundhog Day'. Always waiting. For something good or bad. Anything. I spend my life in a constant state of anticipation. And it's wearing me out! I feel like it's all about me, me, ME!
And it's just so not, not, NOT!!
Bloody hell, when did I get so selfish? When did I turn into this walking soap opera?
Well I can't predict my future but I do know for certain that, my cancer diagnosis has happened. I've got to live with the facts which are that, these next two years are when some people can experience a recurrence of the disease & if it can be kept away for five years, the chances are, it won't come back (here's hoping). Even though it feels like everything treatment wise has 'stopped', it hasn't; I'm going to be having treatment & taking medication every day for the next five years.
But that's for me to deal with. I can't keep thinking about it all the time & the more I talk about it to other people, the more my life feels like it's 'on hold'. It's just the way it is now for me. Cancer is 'part of my life' so to speak but, if I can contain it just to a weekly counselling session & my blog posts, then at least I know there are two places that I can let off steam without depressing everyone in the meantime! Cos you don't have to read the blog do you? And my sessions with D are confidential!
So, until I've had a few more counselling sessions where I can vent a bit without having to justify everything I say, I'm just gonna try to get through each day & take things as they come & try not to talk too much about breast cancer!
You know what? I cannot believe it's June next week.
I had my mammogram on 4th January this year. Straight after Christmas when (if you remember), I was dying of the 'flu so I pretty much missed Christmas. My New Years Eve celebrations were pretty sh*te too. But yeah, that's when all of this sh*t first kicked off. January. And so, so much has happened since then, it's been crazy, scary, emotional, painful.....you name it, there's room for every emotion, I could go on forever.
Which is exactly my point!! Going on about it! It's time for a new start. Again.
As far as I'm concerned, my 'New Year' starts on 1st June this year.
New beginnings for me from that day forward.
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| An early birthday gift! Thanks Nicki! xx |
I'm feeling really positive & like I have loads to look forward to, it's such a change from feeling stressed!
Have a great bank holiday weekend everybody. Whatever you get up to, have fun!
I haven't got any plans myself; my only plan is to just relax, enjoy being with my daughter & to keep practising my new mantra..........'just go with it!'
Love Chez. xx
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