Ohhhhhh. Myyyyyyyyyyyy. Godddddddddddd!!!
I have never been so miserable!!
I've been borderline agoraphobic again too recently. I'm finding it so hard to 'get out & about'. I was doing good until I found out that people had been 'gossiping' about how I've been choosing to recover.....it's really set me back.
Oh, & talking to myself. Yes, I've been talking to myself. Out loud. Some might say that this guarantees you a sensible answer but that doesn't make me feel any better & let's face it, I'm not completely stable at the moment; I wouldn't be coming to 'me' for answers or insights, I can tell you.
As you can see folks, no guest bloggers today, we are back to normal service here & if you don't want to read yet another, nonsensical rambling about how fed up I am, you may wish to (b)log off now.
Still here? You made your choice, I did warn you.......
My counsellor said to me last week "You need to give these darker feelings some 'kind attention' Cheryl; pay attention to them & they won't last as long!" .....or something like that. She was referring to my low mood which kicks in about three days after I have a Zoladex injection. The low mood that makes me feel useless (cos I can't do my job at the moment) & incompetent (cos I have a hard time remembering the simplest of things, such as what time my daughter's sports day started. I missed it & I'm so gutted about that). The list goes on. I'll be Ok again in about a weeks time but then, just as I start feeling really good, it'll be time for another dose.
So, this past week I've mainly been sitting here thinking, 'Oh! I'm depressed! But it's ok! Cos now I know that I'm depressed I can give this feeling some 'kind attention' & it will go away soon!'
Well I'm finding it hard to get my head around this to be honest.
Kind attention? What am I supposed to do? Make 'it' a cup of tea??
For f*cks sake, I can do without all of the head work right now, just speak to me in English!
Better still, sort these f*cking hormone drugs out for me pleeeeeeeeeeease!!
I am shattered from lack of sleep due to raging night sweats, my body is aching all over & I am sooooo pissed off it's untrue. My hair feels thinner & I swear I'm losing double the amount of eyelashes than is usual. Ok, I know these symptoms & side effects are not even half as bad as the ones I'd face if I'd had chemo or radiotherapy but, it's a struggle of it's own kind.
The side effects are CRAP & I'm getting really annoyed, I just want my life back bearing some resemblance to what it was before all of this shit kicked off. I was fine the way I was.......
Anyway, I'm trying really hard not to let it drag me & the people around me down but, it's been another shit week & it's gotten so bad now that Carol, my lovely breast care nurse, is giving me another month to adjust to the hormones so, if I'm still a miserable bitch at the end of next month, then it's back to the oncologist earlier than anticipated to see if he can sort it out. The side effects of Zoladex can be so bad for some women, that they end up opting to have their ovaries removed. I really don't feel like I could face any more surgery. I still have my reconstruction to get through. But I can't go on like this.
I've just had to phone my boss & tell her that I've been signed off work for another six weeks. She was great as usual but, this note will take me up to the end of my contract now; it feels so unfair that I worked so hard whilst I was there & now I feel like I'm a failure cos I couldn't get well enough - quick enough - to get back there. My boss told me to stop being so hard on myself. EVERYBODY keeps telling me not to be so hard on myself!
But it's easier said than done! I'm not used to sitting still for this long! And I HATE that I feel so shitty & down.
So, we'll see just have to wait & see what happens. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting here like Waynetta Slob! (Much.) My house is pretty clean & tidy as are myself & my little girl! I haven't sunk that low (yet) where I won't get out of bed for days. Feel like doing it some days though.
I do know that I'm not myself & this week, whilst talking on the phone, someone said to me: "We haven't got 'all of you' back yet, it's like talking to a different person."
I do actually feel like a different person.
But I'm not. I'm me. I'm just a different version of me. With a few scars now. Some are visible & some are invisible.....& it would seem that there's a few more yet to come.
Anyway!! Less of the moaning now, I'd be lying if I said there wasn't any pleasure in my life at the moment.
My fabulous friend Dawnie, bought me a spa day for my birthday in May so I think now would be a good time to get that booked in! It's in a really posh hotel in Cardiff Bay so I think the fact that we're going to be in Cardiff anyway warrants a shopping trip too!
I'm also going up to Liverpool in early August as it's my little girl's 4th birthday so we're going to see all of the family & a few friends at a small get together my family & I are organising. It's been six months since I was up there last, I'm trying to get excited but the mood dampeners (also known as hormone treatments), are making that a little hard, I'm sure I'll feel better nearer to the time.
Oh, & I also have a gorgeous friend who is 'helping me with my recovery'!!
Funny how I met him (3 days before I had my mastectomy) but, that's another story for a different day! Plus, I know he reads the blog now & again so I don't wanna say too much about him here......anyway, he's been a great friend & I enjoy his company, the fact that he is a lovely person & so good to look at is, I think, a major f*cking bonus!!
So, I shall leave you now on that slightly more positive note.
It's after 1pm & I'm still sat in my pyjama's. What did I say about Waynetta Slob?
Until next time peeps, Love Chez. xx