This time last Friday I was feeling so down & depressed. I hadn't had a good week after realising yet again how slow this recovery process is. I was once again trying to slow down (even further) what is already life at a snails pace - in fact I do recall writing a post, Life In The Slow Lane, about how easy I have to take everything now - on top of dealing with that, I heard some not so good news about a blogging buddy, had a very disappointing meeting with my plastic surgeon & then!!! I was hit with a real bolt out of the blue which just left me feeling truly devastated.
It would seem that somebody thinks I'm enjoying my recovery a little bit too much!
Apparently I'm having a whale of a time! Obviously the person doesn't read this blog!
I've had to 'unfriend' people on Facebook.
Not because I don't trust them but because I don't want anybody put in a position where they are having to defend MY actions.
I take full responsibility for myself. If there's anybody who thinks I'm having a great time at the moment then I will gladly swap places with them.
I'm deeply saddened by the fact that I'm even having to justify my recovery & can only say that 'you' will never understand what I've been through & what I'm still going through now unless you happen to be faced with this disease yourself. God forbid that ever happening & I mean that SO much, I really do.
We're all different & all have different ways about us. We deal with things differently depending on the situation & circumstances, how you deal with a cancer diagnosis may be very different from the next person.
I know that recently, I've experienced some of my very darkest moments & this week, I've been forced to acknowledge strong, sometimes frightening, feelings & thoughts (suicidal? yes, I've been there).....it's been hard going (again) & I'm still needing support from my Breast Care Nurse & from my counsellor.
I feel that the only people who truly understand me at the moment are the amazing ladies who also blog about their breast cancer experiences......or anyone else who's had this disease.
Do you know what it feels like to get up each morning & have to get your 'boob' out of a box? To put a silicone prosthesis inside your bra each day before carefully choosing an outfit that will hide scarring & a chest that's practically concave? Do you know what it's like to be told there's no cure for your disease but 'we'll take it away & hopefully it won't come back but we NEVER guarantee that it won't come back because we can't guarantee it'? Do you know what it feels like to hear that a friend's life will be taken by the very disease you're being treated for? Do you know how much this disease knocks your confidence? Disfigures you? Affects new & old relationships? Do I need to go on??
I can't explain any more than I already do on this blog so I'm not going to try to but, what I will say is this:
I will take my time to recover in a way that works for me & I will do what is best for me & my three year old daughter's future; nobody else's.
And I really don't care what anybody thinks about that.
Anyway, 'nuff said about that now cos my mood has lifted considerably since I had what I'm now going to refer to, hereinafter & for ever more, as 'The Week From Hell'.
The latter part of this week however, has left me feeling really happy!!
I've surrendered to fighting against my thoughts & feelings & I'm dealing with them in such a better way now. It's a massive achievement for me actually, my counsellor is absolutely brilliant, it makes me wonder what would happen if we all did like the Americans do & go into therapy!! It has definitely helped & is a major part of my treatment now. I always feel so much calmer, reassured & lifted when I walk out of a meeting with her. There's a long way to go & I still need to see her weekly but, it's helping, it really is & I feel good about trying to deal with all of this now.
I've also enjoyed the company of some very good friends this week. I've relaxed, had good conversation (& some random conversations!), I've exercised (yes I have!), looked after myself, had a few glasses of wine, laughed, hugged, kissed!!!......it's been a really good week & tomorrow evening will be good too; my very good friend Catriona, is leaving our little village to go back to live in Derry, Northern Ireland. I for one am definitely going to miss her so a few of us are going for dinner with her tomorrow evening, I'm really looking forward to it! We've got to give her a good send off & a night to remember!!
Have a great weekend - I'm going to!!
Love Chez. xx
P.S: Oooooooh!! I nearly forgot! I have another guest blogger writing a piece for this blog as we speak! She's a fabulous lady & I've followed her blog for ages now. I'm so honoured that she's agreed to write a post!! Watch this space peeps, it's coming real soon!! xx