Ha! I might have known that the sudden rush of energy I felt when I got to Liverpool - & that has stayed with me since getting home (up to now!) - would fizzle out eventually.....& it has!
I'm starting to flag already; I can't take the pace any longer, all this moving house & organising everything is wearing me out. It's really hit me how tired I am & it hasn't helped that my little girl has a really bad cough that's keeping us both awake at night. Both of our sleep patterns are way out & we're both shattered.
We've had no hot water here for the past two days which has been a bit of a nightmare to be honest (I love convenience, hate messing about or making things harder than they have to be) &, I've had electricians here too fiddling about all day every day but, they're gone now & I have hot water again & safe electrics so, I'm thankful for that!
I mean, I'm getting some things done. I've kept appointments with my GP & with my counsellor, I've spent loads of time on the phone sorting whatever it is out but I've got to say, I'm not feeling too good & I think I forgot that I still get tired pretty quickly. Now that reality has kicked in & there are practical things to be done, my get up & go has got up & gone! I can't seem to make major in-roads into what I'm doing, I'm finding it hard to concentrate (damn hormone treatment) & I'm just so, so tired.
I've still got pain in my kidneys which is getting worse & after me saying that I've had no major problems with my right arm, it's now decided to start playing silly buggers; my arm is aching, it feels numb & my right hand is freezing all the time (freezing as in feels very cold) but, actually, it's freezing in the other sense of the word too, funny enough. I was fastening the cuff on my dress the other day & my hand literally got stuck. I couldn't open my hand for a little while. It felt horrible, it hurt & it scared me a bit. I'm sure it's just part of the process in healing, you know, nerves re-attaching etc etc......I don't know, I'm just presuming this actually but, next time I speak to Carol, my breast care nurse, I'm definitely going to mention it cos it's getting to be a bit of a problem to be honest. My hand feels stiff & like it's not working properly.
I suppose something else that is probably 'getting to me' a little bit is also the fact that my employment contract ends tomorrow. As I've said before, it would have been a massive personal achievement to get back to work but, things didn't turn out as expected so, from tomorrow, I'm a Lady of Leisure! (I don't want to say 'unemployed'!)
Anyway, getting back to the situation as it stands, let's take all of these aches, pains, whatever they are, as signs that my body's saying 'Hey, slow down a bit! How about we take things a little bit easier?!'
I know now when I've had enough & I know when I need to take time out. I've been here before.
I'm well aware that I've got a lot to do & that I'm still recovering but, it goes against my nature to slow down; I like to get things done, it's always been a problem to me how long this recovery period is taking but I can't ignore signs that things 'aren't right'.
All I seem to be doing at the moment - by doing I mean doing 'moving house things' - is 'a little bit here & a little bit there', I haven't really completed anything in full! And that's because I feel like shit & I'm starting to stress about the move....the good news though, is that I haven't (yet) sunk into the depths of despair again, I'm still unsure of the effect that Zoladex has on me, jury's still out on that one but hey ho, I have another appointment for my four weekly injection next Tuesday! So we'll see how I am after that shall we?!
So! I need to re-think my strategy here cos otherwise, I'm gonna end up burnt out & good for nothing before I even get to Liverpool.
It's not even a case of 're-thinking my strategy'; more like just do a bit each day, relax a bit, take time out & better care of myself & take the help when it's offered instead of saying 'No, I'm ok, everything's under control!'
Miss (used to be soooo) Independent here is finding it a bit hard to let anyone give me a hand but, I'm learning to accept that I'm a bit vulnerable & a bit battered at the moment.....& I could do with a hand actually!
My counsellor has helped me no end with coming to terms with what I've been through, not just with the breast cancer but, with everything that happened prior to & leading up to it. So I do realise that, all of these feelings & emotions are'part of a process'. I've had the fear, the pain, the realisation, the anger, the sense of loss, the grief, the depression....you name it. 'Acceptance' is just another part of the process. I know that when I get back to Liverpool I'll finally be able to relax & I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be back on form & fighting fit again.
I just don't know how long it's gonna take for me to get to that point but I know I will get there. Eventually.
Ok, so I've talked myself into chilling out a bit now. I do have something important to do tomorrow (& no, it can't wait actually, it has to be done before the bank holiday!) but, if that's the one thing that I manage to get done then I'll be happy with that!
I've also just arranged to have lunch with a friend & then it's the weekend so, I'll be spending time with my daughter & mum & dad. It'll be our last Bank Holiday weekend in Wales!
Well, this started out as a short post but I've been waffling for a while now, what I wanted to do was to mention that I've now been referred to a plastic surgeon in Liverpool (I know his name & everything!) & I now have a date for an appointment with my oncologist, Dr M, before I go back to Liverpool. My counsellor is also going to put me in touch with a counsellor up North so, from the medical/health care point of view, things are moving!
I think I've done enough of the 'putting the wheels in motion' now, after my 'important thing' tomorrow, I think I can justifiably take a break from it all over the weekend.
Oh, dunno if you noticed? I've changed a few little things on the blog, just small changes here & there? I haven't had time to re-do my 'Special Mentions' page but I'm working on it!
So for now, the only thing left to say really is (if I don't get time to pop back here over the weekend that is), 'Have a great Bank Holiday weekend!'
See you soon,
Love Chez. xx
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