My GP now wants to start testing my liver & kidney function & I had an appointment with him on Friday afternoon but the weather was so awful, I cancelled the appointment so, it's probably gonna be sometime in the new year before I see him again. At least I don't really have anything to worry about in the meantime! For a change!
The sessions I've been having with the psychologist are starting to prove more fruitful too. I'm starting to realise that although I have the odd day where 'the fear' (of cancer returning) gets the better of me, mainly, I've been more pissed off about the fact that my life has been pretty crap for the past 3 (nearly 4) years. (It's explained a bit more in the 'About Me' page if you don't know me personally & you have absolutely no idea what I'm going on about!)
What I'm trying to say is that, I've been thinking that I've been depressed because I've had a cancer diagnosis.....well now I realise that that is not strictly true. In reality, what I've been doing is beating myself up on a regular basis cos my life hasn't panned out the way that I thought it would. Cancer has just been another (albeit shitty) episode in my life & hopefully, I'll never have to go through it again. After all, my prognosis is really good. I've been so lucky in that respect. No, what really gets me going is that I've gone from being a successful, wealthy business woman with a brand new Mercedes, three homes & in a relationship to, an unemployed, vehicle-less, property-less, (almost) skint, single mum &, it's been difficult to come to terms with this. I've ALWAYS worked, always had a car & I owned my own home from a young age. It's taken quite a bit of getting used to let me tell you! I've also been pretty anal about being 'organised' in the past too. I like to know where I'm going, how I'm getting there & what will happen when I get there.
I'm also a bit of a 'racer' & usually live my life at 100 miles an hour.....to echo the words of a close friend & ex-colleague (yes, YOU Andrea!), 'there's never [usually] a dull moment!'
But cancer has put paid to that. I've had to slow down. Cos the hormone treatments sap quite a bit of my energy - yes, still. I wrote a post about that too not so long back - Life In The Slow Lane!
I do however, firmly believe that things happen for a reason & that if we're not 'on the right path' then the Universe/God/whatever you want to call it, will find a way of re-directing us. I suppose that cancer has made me sit back & re-evaluate what's important & what's not. Well, this is where I find myself right now &, whilst I haven't had a blinding epiphany moment as of yet & I'm still unsure of what direction my life is going in, I do know that the whole world isn't going to fall apart just because I don't know what I'll be doing three weeks next Tuesday! I suppose the start of a 'new year' is as good a time as any to take stock & change what isn't working for me anymore but then saying that, my life has changed dramatically since I moved back to Liverpool anyway......there are some things that 'just happen' whether we want them too or not & whilst I have no concrete plans at the moment, I can honestly say that since I've come back to 'the homeland', everything seems to be going my way. *she says with fingers crossed!*
Anyway, when I discuss this realisation with my friends & especially with my sister Leah, (who I confide in a lot), it would seem that I'm the ONLY person who hasn't realised that, just because my life has changed dramatically, it doesn't mean that it's over! And nobody else is expecting anything of me; I'm the only one who thinks I should be working all the hours God sends, have an amazing career, have a perfectly clean & tidy home, driving a fabulous car & have a 'model' child who is bordering on genius! (Oh, & have the most amazing boyfriend who looks like Brad Pitt. Or George Clooney. Or Bradley Cooper. Any one of them three will do - I'm not that fussy!)
Once again I've just been putting too much pressure on myself. I'm 40 next year & I admit, I've been feeling 'washed up' & like a failure.
But don't they say 'life begins at 40'?!
And how can I be a failure when I've got the most beautiful little girl who is happy & content, despite the fact that her father's not around? So I must be doing something right!
If there's one thing that cancer has taught me, it's that, the material things don't matter. Not really. In truth, I wasn't really happy when I had all of those things anyway......
Now I just have to get my head around the fact that I'm starting again - again - which I also wrote about some time back! Talk about going 'round in circles, jeez!
So, I'm feeling more positive & I'm finally getting into the old Christmas spirit a bit more but, I can't bloody wait to see the back of 2011! Quite frankly it's been hell but, I'm starting to come to terms with my diagnosis & everything that's happened these past few years & I'm (almost) ready to smash 2012!
Now, I'm having another Zoladex injection tomorrow so I'm hoping that - with this 'new realisation' - my mood won't dip as low as it usually does. Cos I definitely do have things to look forward to.
My life definitely seems to be on the up again; I've met so many new people these past few weeks & also, various, exciting opportunities have presented themselves to me but, it's early days so I don't want to say too much about them at this present time!
All I want to say at the moment is that I'm taking each day as it comes & that I'm trying to be the best person that I can be each day. I'm not putting too much pressure on myself & I'm just trying to achieve ONE thing per day. Even if it's something mundane like vacuuming/doing the ironing/making the beds! Just ONE thing! And if I do manage to get more than ONE thing done then hey! That's great! Cos when my mood is affected & I feel low, I get into the mindset that I can't be bothered doing anything. And then, the whole day turns into a shambles & I beat myself up again. And then I'm back in that vicious circle again.....let's not go there, eh?
So! That's where I am at the moment! I'm smiling & feeling good!
I've just got to keep saying to myself, 'keep calm & f*ck cancer!' Cos it's been everything else that's been doing my head in!
I'll be back soon,
Love Chez. xx
|How very apt! xx|