I've been 'told off' by a few people for not saying more about the 'Gorgeous Friend' that I mentioned in my post, Shoot Me Now.
After all, this blog is supposed to detail 'my thoughts, feelings & happenings as I go through treatment for breast cancer'........it's supposed to be truthful!
So, I'll cut to the chase. My lovely, sweet, Gorgeous Friend is gone.
And he's gone because, me being (paranoid, insecure, self conscious, lacking in confidence, schizophrenic, hormonal, angry) me - lost the plot in a big way &, (I'm gonna say this once & really quickly cos I am mortified this morning) *takes in a deep breath*
I-sent-him-a-really-really-nasty-horrible-message-cos-he-hadn't-phoned-me-and-now-we're-not-even-speaking-&-I'm-ashamed-&-gutted-all-at-the-same-time-&-I-really-really-wish-I-hadn't-done-it-&-I'm-really-really-sorry-that-I-did-it-&-I'm-so-annoyed-at-myself-if-I-had-a-gun-I'd-shoot-myself-cos-he-was-so-sweet-&-lovely-&-I'm-an-idiot.
There are no excuses really, ok, my emotions/feelings/thoughts etc are heightened at the moment due to the hormone drugs, but what possessed me to send such an awful message?
I don't really want to go into all the background or the detail of what I said but obviously, the message that I sent was definitely how I was feeling at the time & I'm nothing else but truthful. But did I have to be so nasty?
I'm straight talking but I would never intentionally hurt someone's feelings with my words & if someone sent me a message like the one I sent to him, I would be furious......& probably disgusted.
So this morning I am kicking myself & trust me, I am more than suitably ashamed at my selfishness - when did I become so wrapped up in myself that I forgot other peoples lives don't revolve around me? How dare other people have lives of their own with problems or issues that they have to deal with which, are far more important than having to mollycoddle me cos my head's messed up?! Even my family are walking on eggshells around me cos one minute I'm in a good mood & then the next minute I've sunk into the depths of despair.
This is not me. I'm not a nasty person. I'm usually pretty happy, smiley, friendly, confident, secure, in control......
But, the truth remains, like I said, it was obviously how I was feeling at the time; the fact that I didn't think before hitting send is very regrettable but, it's done now.
If I could turn the clock back, I would but, I can't. I've learned a lesson if nothing else. I've learned a few actually, ha! Engage brain before opening mouth is one of them! And, there's quite clearly been a massive lack of communication here; considering I pride myself on being so open & honest, I've failed spectacularly this time!
Anyway, there you go. I have f*cked up BIG TIME!! I've just lost a lovely friend & I'm soooo pissed off with myself I can't quite believe it. You couldn't really blame him if he never spoke to me ever again.
I really feel like removing the 'comments' option from this post cos I couldn't bear to be told again how much of a dickhead I've been. I already know how immature, f*cked up & irrational I am.
Well, I'm gonna go now, pull my socks up, stop being such a f*cking mess & get my head together...... I think I may have just had the major kick up the arse/reality check that I needed. Not nice but shockingly, all my own doing. I need to sort myself out. So that's what am gonna go & try to do; before I alienate more friends.
And the only thing left to say? Is that I am so, so sorry for what I've done.
Love Chez. xx
Thursday, 28 July 2011
Monday, 25 July 2011
Starting Again - Again
It's a lovely day here in our Welsh Valley, I've been trying to write this post since 9.30am but the sunshine keeps drawing me outside!
Anyway! Where am I at now?
Well, I know I'm not going back to work now. Maybe it's just as well; there's a lot of adjusting still to do. I still get tired easily & I've got another shot of Zoladex to endure before I'll know if I need to go & see my Oncologist earlier than originally planned. However, the main thing for me is, I don't think I'm 'gonna be completely right' until I have my reconstruction. I'm impatient at the best of times & I just want to get on with it now. So much so that I've phoned my plastic surgeons' secretary & told her that seeing as I had my mastectomy at the beginning of March, it's nearly six months ago now (ok, it's only five) &, I'm off work now so put me on your cancellation list too - cos if there is a cancellation, I want that appointment slot! So, I'm on standby now too.
The main thing that hit me recently though, was that here I am again.
Starting again - again.
I thought that I'd already 'started again' last September when I'd finally moved away from my farmhouse into a rented semi with my little girl.
I thought I'd left my 'old life' - & all the shit that came with it - waaayyyyyy behind. (Hmmm, you may wanna read the About me page here if you're not familiar with all of the crap that's happened in the past three years!)
Anyway, like I said, I thought I was 'starting again' & I was excited! There had been so much emotional, financial & mental turmoil that things could only get better for me!
Work was going really well, my daughter had settled into school well & had handled the house move & her dad leaving better than I expected her to; my new house was just the right size for me & Laiken & the relief of finding somewhere that we both liked after searching for months.......! By October/November I was buzzing!
I've always been very independant & self sufficient. I moved away from the family home at seventeen &, apart from going back for a short time here & there & living with friends on a couple of occasions, I've always loved having my 'own place'. And I've always worked. Always. Apart from consciously taking two years off when I had my daughter, I've always been working.
So it wasn't a scary situation for me to branch out on my own again & I'd lived on my own in South Wales for the first three years I was here anyway. As far as I'm concerned this is my home; it's where I live & work(ed), it's where my daughter was born, my mum & dad are here living five minutes walk away......of course, my 'real home' - & where my heart really is - is in Liverpool. But it hadn't occurred to me to move back there for good until I got flu in December last year.......
Anyway! I'm rambling! The whole point of this post is just to state the obvious really.
Having been receiving treatment for breast cancer for the past six months, that's kinda put the kibosh on job hunting. Having BC has also stalled all my plans to move home cos I gotta wait for my reconstruction & then 'hang around' for six months afterwards *taking a breath here*......
It's been a rough ride (read it's been f*cking horrendous) & yes, it's taken me a long time to admit that I'm only just coming to terms with it & I'm having a shit time with the side effects from the hormone treatments. But, I do have to try & get some normality back into my life now & while I was thinking about that, that's when I realised I was here again.
But this time, things are very different. (Ha! There's an understatement! Is there any area of my life that hasn't been affected by my diagnosis?)
And if I'm truthful, it has been freaking me out a bit. Cos I have no idea as to where I'm going at all. I have no other job lined up. I'm not fit for work anyway, not the way I am at the moment......
So, I've made a decision! I am giving myself six months off work! I'm not even gonna think about work! I'm also giving myself another six months off from all of the stress of worrying about moving back to Liverpool too! In fact, I'm not gonna worry about anything!
I have spent ALL of my adult life - well, from the age of sixteen actually - working.
I've had to deal with loads of shit in these past three years & I'm just gonna give myself a break.
I think I deserve it.
I don't wanna sound defeatist but, for f*cks sake!! Working non stop? Look where it's got me!!
Absolutely nowhere!!
After all those years of hard work, sometimes working two & three jobs at a time, I've ended up as a (albeit discharged) bankrupt, jobless single mum (who is probably gonna have to claim benefits), non-homeowner, who is living two hundred & odd miles away from where I feel I need to be!!
But you know what? I don't care! I have some savings; we have everything we need already & a roof over our heads; we're not gonna starve!
We're gonna be ok. The village where I live is lovely & like I said, it's home for me, I can't think of a better place to recuperate really.
I've got great friends here & I'm recovering from having life saving surgery. I want my last year of being in Wales to be a happy one. (Sorry, but the past three have been shit - another understatement). Cos it'll be around this time next year that we'll move back home - if all goes to plan of course *says with fingers crossed*.
Anyway, that's where my head is at the moment. I won't be idle during my six months off. I've had a couple of interesting opportunities put before me, some blog related, some not &, I think while my life is still embroiled in this cancer crap, I might as well 'do my bit' in raising as much awareness as possible. I've been really lucky - I found a lump & acted early. Lucky for me the cancer hadn't had a chance to spread. The more (men &) women are aware of it, the better.
Cos it's SHIT. I can't say it enough. It is just such a horrible, life changing disease..........keep self examining!!
You know the script by now; I'm preaching to the converted I think......
So!! Enough of that then!
I didn't ever want this blog to turn into a moaning page! I know I've been in one helluva mood these past two weeks! Blame the hormones again! Oh the joy of Zoladex! I'll have a whole week now where I feel pretty good & then on the 1st, I go back for another injection!
But I'm gonna take advantage of the fact that I do feel alright for the moment & just try & get back into the swing of life again. I think I do just need to take some time out & do things that I enjoy & not put any pressure on myself for the time being. (I know I keep on saying this! & then in about ten days time, I'll go on a downer for a couple of weeks then we'll come back to this! It's a vicious circle!)
I need to keep interacting with people though, getting out of the house does me the world of good, I've been walking daily just to get out in the fresh air, I've felt so much better for just making the effort these past few days.
So this week, to spread my wings a little bit further, I have a shopping trip planned (I need a few fab outfits to go to Liverpool with!), I have a lunch planned with friends & I have friends visiting on Thursday evening too; it's gonna be a good week! And then next week I'll be preparing to go to Liverpool! Woohoo! I.CAN.NOT.WAIT!!
I'm really starting to look forward to going now & I've been really homesick over the weekend!
So yeah, I'm still 'all over the place' but, all I can do is keep plugging away, a day at a time, until there are more up days than down.
This week's all about up days. Definitely. Who knows what will happen? I don't care, I'm just gonna enjoy it! I'll keep you posted - as always.
Love Chez. xx
Anyway! Where am I at now?
Well, I know I'm not going back to work now. Maybe it's just as well; there's a lot of adjusting still to do. I still get tired easily & I've got another shot of Zoladex to endure before I'll know if I need to go & see my Oncologist earlier than originally planned. However, the main thing for me is, I don't think I'm 'gonna be completely right' until I have my reconstruction. I'm impatient at the best of times & I just want to get on with it now. So much so that I've phoned my plastic surgeons' secretary & told her that seeing as I had my mastectomy at the beginning of March, it's nearly six months ago now (ok, it's only five) &, I'm off work now so put me on your cancellation list too - cos if there is a cancellation, I want that appointment slot! So, I'm on standby now too.
The main thing that hit me recently though, was that here I am again.
Starting again - again.
I thought that I'd already 'started again' last September when I'd finally moved away from my farmhouse into a rented semi with my little girl.
I thought I'd left my 'old life' - & all the shit that came with it - waaayyyyyy behind. (Hmmm, you may wanna read the About me page here if you're not familiar with all of the crap that's happened in the past three years!)
Anyway, like I said, I thought I was 'starting again' & I was excited! There had been so much emotional, financial & mental turmoil that things could only get better for me!
Work was going really well, my daughter had settled into school well & had handled the house move & her dad leaving better than I expected her to; my new house was just the right size for me & Laiken & the relief of finding somewhere that we both liked after searching for months.......! By October/November I was buzzing!
I've always been very independant & self sufficient. I moved away from the family home at seventeen &, apart from going back for a short time here & there & living with friends on a couple of occasions, I've always loved having my 'own place'. And I've always worked. Always. Apart from consciously taking two years off when I had my daughter, I've always been working.
So it wasn't a scary situation for me to branch out on my own again & I'd lived on my own in South Wales for the first three years I was here anyway. As far as I'm concerned this is my home; it's where I live & work(ed), it's where my daughter was born, my mum & dad are here living five minutes walk away......of course, my 'real home' - & where my heart really is - is in Liverpool. But it hadn't occurred to me to move back there for good until I got flu in December last year.......
Anyway! I'm rambling! The whole point of this post is just to state the obvious really.
Having been receiving treatment for breast cancer for the past six months, that's kinda put the kibosh on job hunting. Having BC has also stalled all my plans to move home cos I gotta wait for my reconstruction & then 'hang around' for six months afterwards *taking a breath here*......
It's been a rough ride (read it's been f*cking horrendous) & yes, it's taken me a long time to admit that I'm only just coming to terms with it & I'm having a shit time with the side effects from the hormone treatments. But, I do have to try & get some normality back into my life now & while I was thinking about that, that's when I realised I was here again.
But this time, things are very different. (Ha! There's an understatement! Is there any area of my life that hasn't been affected by my diagnosis?)
And if I'm truthful, it has been freaking me out a bit. Cos I have no idea as to where I'm going at all. I have no other job lined up. I'm not fit for work anyway, not the way I am at the moment......
So, I've made a decision! I am giving myself six months off work! I'm not even gonna think about work! I'm also giving myself another six months off from all of the stress of worrying about moving back to Liverpool too! In fact, I'm not gonna worry about anything!
I have spent ALL of my adult life - well, from the age of sixteen actually - working.
I've had to deal with loads of shit in these past three years & I'm just gonna give myself a break.
I think I deserve it.
I don't wanna sound defeatist but, for f*cks sake!! Working non stop? Look where it's got me!!
Absolutely nowhere!!
After all those years of hard work, sometimes working two & three jobs at a time, I've ended up as a (albeit discharged) bankrupt, jobless single mum (who is probably gonna have to claim benefits), non-homeowner, who is living two hundred & odd miles away from where I feel I need to be!!
But you know what? I don't care! I have some savings; we have everything we need already & a roof over our heads; we're not gonna starve!
We're gonna be ok. The village where I live is lovely & like I said, it's home for me, I can't think of a better place to recuperate really.
I've got great friends here & I'm recovering from having life saving surgery. I want my last year of being in Wales to be a happy one. (Sorry, but the past three have been shit - another understatement). Cos it'll be around this time next year that we'll move back home - if all goes to plan of course *says with fingers crossed*.
Anyway, that's where my head is at the moment. I won't be idle during my six months off. I've had a couple of interesting opportunities put before me, some blog related, some not &, I think while my life is still embroiled in this cancer crap, I might as well 'do my bit' in raising as much awareness as possible. I've been really lucky - I found a lump & acted early. Lucky for me the cancer hadn't had a chance to spread. The more (men &) women are aware of it, the better.
Cos it's SHIT. I can't say it enough. It is just such a horrible, life changing disease..........keep self examining!!
You know the script by now; I'm preaching to the converted I think......
So!! Enough of that then!
I didn't ever want this blog to turn into a moaning page! I know I've been in one helluva mood these past two weeks! Blame the hormones again! Oh the joy of Zoladex! I'll have a whole week now where I feel pretty good & then on the 1st, I go back for another injection!
But I'm gonna take advantage of the fact that I do feel alright for the moment & just try & get back into the swing of life again. I think I do just need to take some time out & do things that I enjoy & not put any pressure on myself for the time being. (I know I keep on saying this! & then in about ten days time, I'll go on a downer for a couple of weeks then we'll come back to this! It's a vicious circle!)
I need to keep interacting with people though, getting out of the house does me the world of good, I've been walking daily just to get out in the fresh air, I've felt so much better for just making the effort these past few days.
So this week, to spread my wings a little bit further, I have a shopping trip planned (I need a few fab outfits to go to Liverpool with!), I have a lunch planned with friends & I have friends visiting on Thursday evening too; it's gonna be a good week! And then next week I'll be preparing to go to Liverpool! Woohoo! I.CAN.NOT.WAIT!!
I'm really starting to look forward to going now & I've been really homesick over the weekend!
So yeah, I'm still 'all over the place' but, all I can do is keep plugging away, a day at a time, until there are more up days than down.
This week's all about up days. Definitely. Who knows what will happen? I don't care, I'm just gonna enjoy it! I'll keep you posted - as always.
Love Chez. xx
Thursday, 21 July 2011
Keep Swimming!!
Ok everybody, I just wanted to let you all know that my lovely friend, Cerys & her little boy Evan (my 3 year old daughters boyfriend!), are running the Race for Life this Sunday, 24th July, in Swansea.
I met Cerys when we trained together to become breastfeeding support counsellors & we've been friends ever since; she was one of the very first people that I told when I was diagnosed with breast cancer in February this year & since then, she's always been on hand to support me, whether that's by leaving lovely, encouraging comments on this blog or, just by sending me the odd text here & there to let me know she's around if I need her.
I just wanna say "Thank you Cerys", your support means a lot & I'm honoured that you thought of me when deciding to do this race.
So! If any of you lovely people would like to sponsor Cerys & Evan, please see the details below which tell you exactly how you can do so! She's raised £241 so far which is brilliant!
Good Luck Cerys & Evan!! I'll be there to support you for a change!
See you Sunday! Love Chez. xx
 |
| (L - R) Me & Cerys |
I just wanna say "Thank you Cerys", your support means a lot & I'm honoured that you thought of me when deciding to do this race.
So! If any of you lovely people would like to sponsor Cerys & Evan, please see the details below which tell you exactly how you can do so! She's raised £241 so far which is brilliant!
Good Luck Cerys & Evan!! I'll be there to support you for a change!
See you Sunday! Love Chez. xx
 |
| Cerys' sign for Sunday! |
 |
| Evan's sign! Cerys has set up a 'justgiving' by text account. Please text CEZZ99 £1 (or more!!!) to 70070 to sponsor her for the race for life THIS SUNDAY!!! If you have already sponsored her, or just want to help her get more sponsors then please share this!! Details of the race in Swansea can be found here: To sponsor Cerys online, please click the link below: |
Monday, 18 July 2011
Shoot Me Now
Ohhhhhh. Myyyyyyyyyyyy. Godddddddddddd!!!
I have never been so miserable!!
I've been borderline agoraphobic again too recently. I'm finding it so hard to 'get out & about'. I was doing good until I found out that people had been 'gossiping' about how I've been choosing to recover.....it's really set me back.
Oh, & talking to myself. Yes, I've been talking to myself. Out loud. Some might say that this guarantees you a sensible answer but that doesn't make me feel any better & let's face it, I'm not completely stable at the moment; I wouldn't be coming to 'me' for answers or insights, I can tell you.
As you can see folks, no guest bloggers today, we are back to normal service here & if you don't want to read yet another, nonsensical rambling about how fed up I am, you may wish to (b)log off now.
Still here? You made your choice, I did warn you.......
My counsellor said to me last week "You need to give these darker feelings some 'kind attention' Cheryl; pay attention to them & they won't last as long!" .....or something like that. She was referring to my low mood which kicks in about three days after I have a Zoladex injection. The low mood that makes me feel useless (cos I can't do my job at the moment) & incompetent (cos I have a hard time remembering the simplest of things, such as what time my daughter's sports day started. I missed it & I'm so gutted about that). The list goes on. I'll be Ok again in about a weeks time but then, just as I start feeling really good, it'll be time for another dose.
So, this past week I've mainly been sitting here thinking, 'Oh! I'm depressed! But it's ok! Cos now I know that I'm depressed I can give this feeling some 'kind attention' & it will go away soon!'
Well I'm finding it hard to get my head around this to be honest.
Kind attention? What am I supposed to do? Make 'it' a cup of tea??
For f*cks sake, I can do without all of the head work right now, just speak to me in English!
Better still, sort these f*cking hormone drugs out for me pleeeeeeeeeeease!!
I am shattered from lack of sleep due to raging night sweats, my body is aching all over & I am sooooo pissed off it's untrue. My hair feels thinner & I swear I'm losing double the amount of eyelashes than is usual. Ok, I know these symptoms & side effects are not even half as bad as the ones I'd face if I'd had chemo or radiotherapy but, it's a struggle of it's own kind.
The side effects are CRAP & I'm getting really annoyed, I just want my life back bearing some resemblance to what it was before all of this shit kicked off. I was fine the way I was.......
Anyway, I'm trying really hard not to let it drag me & the people around me down but, it's been another shit week & it's gotten so bad now that Carol, my lovely breast care nurse, is giving me another month to adjust to the hormones so, if I'm still a miserable bitch at the end of next month, then it's back to the oncologist earlier than anticipated to see if he can sort it out. The side effects of Zoladex can be so bad for some women, that they end up opting to have their ovaries removed. I really don't feel like I could face any more surgery. I still have my reconstruction to get through. But I can't go on like this.
I've just had to phone my boss & tell her that I've been signed off work for another six weeks. She was great as usual but, this note will take me up to the end of my contract now; it feels so unfair that I worked so hard whilst I was there & now I feel like I'm a failure cos I couldn't get well enough - quick enough - to get back there. My boss told me to stop being so hard on myself. EVERYBODY keeps telling me not to be so hard on myself!
But it's easier said than done! I'm not used to sitting still for this long! And I HATE that I feel so shitty & down.
So, we'll see just have to wait & see what happens. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting here like Waynetta Slob! (Much.) My house is pretty clean & tidy as are myself & my little girl! I haven't sunk that low (yet) where I won't get out of bed for days. Feel like doing it some days though.
I do know that I'm not myself & this week, whilst talking on the phone, someone said to me: "We haven't got 'all of you' back yet, it's like talking to a different person."
I do actually feel like a different person.
But I'm not. I'm me. I'm just a different version of me. With a few scars now. Some are visible & some are invisible.....& it would seem that there's a few more yet to come.
Anyway!! Less of the moaning now, I'd be lying if I said there wasn't any pleasure in my life at the moment.
My fabulous friend Dawnie, bought me a spa day for my birthday in May so I think now would be a good time to get that booked in! It's in a really posh hotel in Cardiff Bay so I think the fact that we're going to be in Cardiff anyway warrants a shopping trip too!
I'm also going up to Liverpool in early August as it's my little girl's 4th birthday so we're going to see all of the family & a few friends at a small get together my family & I are organising. It's been six months since I was up there last, I'm trying to get excited but the mood dampeners (also known as hormone treatments), are making that a little hard, I'm sure I'll feel better nearer to the time.
Oh, & I also have a gorgeous friend who is 'helping me with my recovery'!!
Funny how I met him (3 days before I had my mastectomy) but, that's another story for a different day! Plus, I know he reads the blog now & again so I don't wanna say too much about him here......anyway, he's been a great friend & I enjoy his company, the fact that he is a lovely person & so good to look at is, I think, a major f*cking bonus!!
So, I shall leave you now on that slightly more positive note.
It's after 1pm & I'm still sat in my pyjama's. What did I say about Waynetta Slob?
Until next time peeps, Love Chez. xx
I have never been so miserable!!
I've been borderline agoraphobic again too recently. I'm finding it so hard to 'get out & about'. I was doing good until I found out that people had been 'gossiping' about how I've been choosing to recover.....it's really set me back.
Oh, & talking to myself. Yes, I've been talking to myself. Out loud. Some might say that this guarantees you a sensible answer but that doesn't make me feel any better & let's face it, I'm not completely stable at the moment; I wouldn't be coming to 'me' for answers or insights, I can tell you.
As you can see folks, no guest bloggers today, we are back to normal service here & if you don't want to read yet another, nonsensical rambling about how fed up I am, you may wish to (b)log off now.
Still here? You made your choice, I did warn you.......
My counsellor said to me last week "You need to give these darker feelings some 'kind attention' Cheryl; pay attention to them & they won't last as long!" .....or something like that. She was referring to my low mood which kicks in about three days after I have a Zoladex injection. The low mood that makes me feel useless (cos I can't do my job at the moment) & incompetent (cos I have a hard time remembering the simplest of things, such as what time my daughter's sports day started. I missed it & I'm so gutted about that). The list goes on. I'll be Ok again in about a weeks time but then, just as I start feeling really good, it'll be time for another dose.
So, this past week I've mainly been sitting here thinking, 'Oh! I'm depressed! But it's ok! Cos now I know that I'm depressed I can give this feeling some 'kind attention' & it will go away soon!'
Well I'm finding it hard to get my head around this to be honest.
Kind attention? What am I supposed to do? Make 'it' a cup of tea??
For f*cks sake, I can do without all of the head work right now, just speak to me in English!
Better still, sort these f*cking hormone drugs out for me pleeeeeeeeeeease!!
I am shattered from lack of sleep due to raging night sweats, my body is aching all over & I am sooooo pissed off it's untrue. My hair feels thinner & I swear I'm losing double the amount of eyelashes than is usual. Ok, I know these symptoms & side effects are not even half as bad as the ones I'd face if I'd had chemo or radiotherapy but, it's a struggle of it's own kind.
The side effects are CRAP & I'm getting really annoyed, I just want my life back bearing some resemblance to what it was before all of this shit kicked off. I was fine the way I was.......
Anyway, I'm trying really hard not to let it drag me & the people around me down but, it's been another shit week & it's gotten so bad now that Carol, my lovely breast care nurse, is giving me another month to adjust to the hormones so, if I'm still a miserable bitch at the end of next month, then it's back to the oncologist earlier than anticipated to see if he can sort it out. The side effects of Zoladex can be so bad for some women, that they end up opting to have their ovaries removed. I really don't feel like I could face any more surgery. I still have my reconstruction to get through. But I can't go on like this.
I've just had to phone my boss & tell her that I've been signed off work for another six weeks. She was great as usual but, this note will take me up to the end of my contract now; it feels so unfair that I worked so hard whilst I was there & now I feel like I'm a failure cos I couldn't get well enough - quick enough - to get back there. My boss told me to stop being so hard on myself. EVERYBODY keeps telling me not to be so hard on myself!
But it's easier said than done! I'm not used to sitting still for this long! And I HATE that I feel so shitty & down.
So, we'll see just have to wait & see what happens. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting here like Waynetta Slob! (Much.) My house is pretty clean & tidy as are myself & my little girl! I haven't sunk that low (yet) where I won't get out of bed for days. Feel like doing it some days though.
I do know that I'm not myself & this week, whilst talking on the phone, someone said to me: "We haven't got 'all of you' back yet, it's like talking to a different person."
I do actually feel like a different person.
But I'm not. I'm me. I'm just a different version of me. With a few scars now. Some are visible & some are invisible.....& it would seem that there's a few more yet to come.
Anyway!! Less of the moaning now, I'd be lying if I said there wasn't any pleasure in my life at the moment.
My fabulous friend Dawnie, bought me a spa day for my birthday in May so I think now would be a good time to get that booked in! It's in a really posh hotel in Cardiff Bay so I think the fact that we're going to be in Cardiff anyway warrants a shopping trip too!
I'm also going up to Liverpool in early August as it's my little girl's 4th birthday so we're going to see all of the family & a few friends at a small get together my family & I are organising. It's been six months since I was up there last, I'm trying to get excited but the mood dampeners (also known as hormone treatments), are making that a little hard, I'm sure I'll feel better nearer to the time.
Oh, & I also have a gorgeous friend who is 'helping me with my recovery'!!
Funny how I met him (3 days before I had my mastectomy) but, that's another story for a different day! Plus, I know he reads the blog now & again so I don't wanna say too much about him here......anyway, he's been a great friend & I enjoy his company, the fact that he is a lovely person & so good to look at is, I think, a major f*cking bonus!!
So, I shall leave you now on that slightly more positive note.
It's after 1pm & I'm still sat in my pyjama's. What did I say about Waynetta Slob?
Until next time peeps, Love Chez. xx
Thursday, 14 July 2011
"That's What Friends Are For"
Hey I'm back & Wow! What can I say?!!
What an amazing response to Annie's guest post on Monday!!
Neither of us can believe the amount of lovely messages of support we've received, thank you so much!
I tell you what you guys, just as Annie's message in her blog post says: 'Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light'....... never has a truer word been said.
Of course, there are moments when one can feel totally alone in all of this & we recognise that, for some people, it's difficult to know what to say to someone diagnosed with cancer....... but that's what it's all about; you don't have to say anything! It's just nice to know that you're there. It's nice to know that you care & that you're 'behind us in this fight!' - even though we hate the word fight! It's great to know that people are learning things about breast cancer & realising how important it is for both men & women to self examine.
In all honesty, I'm feeling pretty useless at the moment. I'm not going to bore you again with a list of side effects from hormone drugs or with how shit I've been feeling (read my last few posts if you need a reminder of this!), what I'm trying to say is that whilst I'm still adjusting to all of this, there's only so much that I can do physically & mentally. (Annie totally puts me to shame by the way, she's been in work all week!)
However, what I can do, is to keep blogging & keep promoting breast cancer awareness in whatever way I can. Cos that makes me feel 'useful' again.
An ex-colleague contacted me this week, he said he was shocked to hear that I had breast cancer cos he thought 'only older women got it'. I am so glad that he contacted me to tell me that! Because now he knows!! By reading my blog he's learnt something really important! We're all susceptible to it! Cancer doesn't discriminate!
And you know, sometimes when I'm sitting here feeling a bit redundant, a message like that comes through to me & I realise that one more person has a little more knowledge about this shit disease & I think to myself 'Job done'.
It makes me feel like I'm doing 'something'.
Anyway, once again, thanks for all of the support, the messages, phone calls, texts, emails, tweets etc etc....!!
I haven't had a great week if the truth be known but, it does help to know that I'm not 'alone in the dark'.
And I can't go& get in the garden where the sun is before I say, once again, a HUGE THANK YOU to my fab friend, Annie!!
I was so honoured that she agreed to write a post for my blog! I think you will agree that she is indeed, an awe inspiring young lady; even if she is .........supercheesy!! (But still fabulous!)
Need a reminder of what I mean? Well, I've been over to her blog this morning & watched the video clip on last nights post & I've had the song in my head all morning now!! Aaaaaaargh!!
But hey, it's actually a good 'therapy' song! I really have been 'Shakin my blues away' & smiling!!
Go & have a look at her latest blog post on Curly Hair & False Eyelashes it's good fun!
I bet you'll be doing it too!!
So long for now, love Chez. xx
What an amazing response to Annie's guest post on Monday!!
Neither of us can believe the amount of lovely messages of support we've received, thank you so much!
I tell you what you guys, just as Annie's message in her blog post says: 'Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light'....... never has a truer word been said.
Of course, there are moments when one can feel totally alone in all of this & we recognise that, for some people, it's difficult to know what to say to someone diagnosed with cancer....... but that's what it's all about; you don't have to say anything! It's just nice to know that you're there. It's nice to know that you care & that you're 'behind us in this fight!' - even though we hate the word fight! It's great to know that people are learning things about breast cancer & realising how important it is for both men & women to self examine.
In all honesty, I'm feeling pretty useless at the moment. I'm not going to bore you again with a list of side effects from hormone drugs or with how shit I've been feeling (read my last few posts if you need a reminder of this!), what I'm trying to say is that whilst I'm still adjusting to all of this, there's only so much that I can do physically & mentally. (Annie totally puts me to shame by the way, she's been in work all week!)
However, what I can do, is to keep blogging & keep promoting breast cancer awareness in whatever way I can. Cos that makes me feel 'useful' again.
I spent a fair bit of time on Monday promoting Annie's guest post on Twitter & through my Facebook pages. What amazes me is that she's only 27 years old & - judging by the feedback - she is truly, an inspiration to all of us, especially to young women of her age.
Both of our blogs more than doubled their usual daily amount of viewings on Monday & to know that there are people out there that really do care & support us in what we're doing is just amazing.
To know that people are learning from it is an extra, massive bonus! Annie's post has encouraged so many people to get in touch, it's been a bit overwhelming......but absolutely fantastic!An ex-colleague contacted me this week, he said he was shocked to hear that I had breast cancer cos he thought 'only older women got it'. I am so glad that he contacted me to tell me that! Because now he knows!! By reading my blog he's learnt something really important! We're all susceptible to it! Cancer doesn't discriminate!
And you know, sometimes when I'm sitting here feeling a bit redundant, a message like that comes through to me & I realise that one more person has a little more knowledge about this shit disease & I think to myself 'Job done'.
It makes me feel like I'm doing 'something'.
Anyway, once again, thanks for all of the support, the messages, phone calls, texts, emails, tweets etc etc....!!
I haven't had a great week if the truth be known but, it does help to know that I'm not 'alone in the dark'.
And I can't go
I was so honoured that she agreed to write a post for my blog! I think you will agree that she is indeed, an awe inspiring young lady; even if she is .........supercheesy!! (But still fabulous!)
Need a reminder of what I mean? Well, I've been over to her blog this morning & watched the video clip on last nights post & I've had the song in my head all morning now!! Aaaaaaargh!!
But hey, it's actually a good 'therapy' song! I really have been 'Shakin my blues away' & smiling!!
Go & have a look at her latest blog post on Curly Hair & False Eyelashes it's good fun!
I bet you'll be doing it too!!
So long for now, love Chez. xx
Monday, 11 July 2011
"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."
So here it is folks! A guest post written by my beautiful friend, Annie. Without further ado, I shall hand you over to the lovely lady herself.......
I'm Annie, I'm 27, and I like cheesy quotes..... the title is from a lady called Helen Keller.
So.... hello world!! testing 1, 2 3..... *clears throat*
Hello and good morning/afternoon/evening/night... it's a great privilege to be blogging in another part of the 'world'! I have only 'known' Chez for a few months (even though I've never met her in 'real life' – whatever the hell that is?! Anyway more of that later!) and, when she asked me to write a guest post I was HUGELY honoured and HUUUUUUGGGGGEEEELY terrified... Anywayanywayanyway (ooh I say that a lot!) she said I could blog about anything... (brave/crazy lady!) sooooo here goes....
First, I have to begin by telling you that 9 months ago, I thought blogs and forums were A BIT WEIRD! I had Facebook and Twitter accounts, but I never 'spoke' to anyone I didn't know in 'Real Life'... and then.... well, then everything changed.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer in October 2010, and since then, have been on a bit of a bumpy ride! (I shan't bore you with it here!) Anywayanywayanyway.... I must tell you here and now, that I like knowing stuff. I like being nosy, but also (in a very geeky way), I just like knowing things. Things about music, about drama, about books, about tele, about... well, about anything really! And on 13th October as I left the hospital, I knew nothing about breast cancer. I knew what the doctor had told me about my case, but I didn't know if that was good or bad, if the treatment I'd been scheduled was normal/advanced/old-fashioned, how I was going to feel, what was going to happen in the future – and even though I had (and have!!!) the most amazing support network of friends and family members, none of them (thankfully!!) had ever had cancer, and some days I felt totally and utterly bewildered and alone.
(by the way, me telling you all of this, is honestly 'going' somewhere, I'm not just using this as therapy!)
Pretty soon after the cancer was diagnosed a friend suggested I start writing about my 'feelings' and experiences on a blog, so when 'it' was over I could look back (and …. laugh?! cry?! I'm not sure really.... hang on, maybe I need to go back and see that friend again... … no, it's ok, I'll wait til I've finished writing) annnnnnnd... so my blog was born! Anywayanywayanyway I discovered there is a HUGE amount of information about cancer on the internet, and I also discovered that most of it should be ignored!!!
Thhhhhaaaaaaannnnkkkkkfully I was pointed in the direction of the breast cancer care website (www.breastcancercare.org.uk) and looked at the forums where I 'met' loads of women who were all living with breast cancer, some young, some old, some living beyond breast cancer, and some, like me then, newly diagnosed. Aaaaannnnd all of a sudden..... forums, and blogs, and talking to strangers online made sense! It was also there in the forums (amongst the lists of new acronyms and abbreviations to do with breast cancer, and experiences of medicines and treatments) that I found a list of other blogs about breast cancer, and found the lovely CHEZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (huzzah!!!!!!!!!!!!!! incidentally, you should all be doing a round of applause now, cos we know she's fab!!!) and together we have rambled through this crazy 'adventure' together.
And... I feel as though I've rambled on quite a lot and not really said anything so am going to try make some kind of point now!!! When you're diagnosed with cancer it won't be long until someone tells you how brave/couragous/inspiring/strong you are, and, as far as I can work out, nobody with cancer believes that they are. I believe this whole thing is a team game, and I count myself lucky to be a member of one of the finest teams. I now have the best friends at home and online aaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnd..... Amongst these new friends is a brilliant blogger called Chez, who, even though things have been rubbish for us both at various points, she's helped keep me smiling, and (as far as I can work out) hasn't been too scared by my COMPLETE INSANITY! What's also FABULOUS is that she's a scouser! Which means that when she comes back to the homeland (soon!! please soon!!) she'll only be 20 minutes up the road!!!
Anyway, anyway, anyway.... I have rambled enough now, and want to leave you with a song that's a bit of an anthem for a few of us. Annnnnnnnd a bit of cheesy encouragement.......
Whether you read this blog as an 'old' friend or family member of Chez's, as a breast cancer patient (either current or in the past) or as a 'random' visitor you should know this:
Sometimes, when it feels like there's nothing to say to a friend or family member who is 'going through it' that “walking with a friend in the dark, is better than walking alone in the light”, and your friendship is appreciated and valued... (cheesybuttrue!!) You should also know that the owner of this blog is a brilliant lovely lady, who, despite anything that life has thrown at her is impressive and feisty and smart and an inspiration (and I'd better not add too many more in, or she'll get a big head!! ;o) or..... not publish the post!) and I feel very lucky to call her my friend!
And during the struggle
They will pull us down
But please, please let's use this chance to
Turn things around
And tonight we can truly say
Together we're invincible
They will pull us down
But please, please let's use this chance to
Turn things around
And tonight we can truly say
Together we're invincible
Until next time dear reader,
Sunday, 10 July 2011
Listen Up! Listen Up!!!
Just a small (but very important!!) post today.......
Firstly, I want to thank everyone who has messaged me in one way or another recently to encourage me to keep taking the small steps that I'm taking towards 'normality'.
I've been severely depressed during the past few weeks, it's been pretty awful & I do believe that I probably hit my lowest point so far last week - I know, I know, I've said that before but, I was so hurt & upset that someone could think I should be 'over all of this by now'......I really do wish it was as simple as that!
Anyway, I refuse to justify my actions any further, please just know that I'm so grateful for the positive comments & encouragement.
Thank you, thank you & thank you again for your support, it means more than you will ever know.
Secondly - & this is mega important now!! - I have a guest blogger visiting this very blog tomorrow!! Her name is Annie, her blog is called Curly Hair & False Eyelashes (please do go & take a look, you'll keep going back I promise you!!) & you CANNOT miss the post she has written for my blog!
This lovely young lady's breast cancer is very advanced now, so much so that 'they' are saying ........well, I'm not gonna go there!!! 'WE' don't care what 'they' are saying cos this girl is a Scouser like me!!
And Scouser equals fighter!!
Bloody hell, I thought I was feisty!! I tell you what, I've met my match with this one!
But we have a saying (which I've nicked from her actually!), cos we're all fighting this together.....& in Annie's own words (this is the bit I've stolen!), 'Fight this f*cker we will!'
Anyway, if you'd care to pop back tomorrow & I urge you to do so, you'll be able to read her post!
This lady is quite simply, truly amazing, inspiring, witty, clever, articulate .......& a bit of a nutter like me!! (Probably why we get on so well!!).
She's so bloody clever, that HER blog regularly has video links on it! And there's a video link on tomorrows post!! Ooooooh!! We've never had one of them on here before have we?!!
Now we all know that I'm a bit of a dinosaur when it comes to technology, I've made no secret of the fact that I'm a technophobe!! I can just about turn the telly over with the remote control (I kid you not!).
So, I'm going to go now & try to figure out how I get the video onto my blog page! (Stop laughing!! It might be easy peasy for you but some of us have yet to learn these things!!).
I'm going now then. Please, please come back tomorrow, I promise you it's well worth a visit!
Please come & meet my amazing friend Annie.
Love Chez. xx
Firstly, I want to thank everyone who has messaged me in one way or another recently to encourage me to keep taking the small steps that I'm taking towards 'normality'.
I've been severely depressed during the past few weeks, it's been pretty awful & I do believe that I probably hit my lowest point so far last week - I know, I know, I've said that before but, I was so hurt & upset that someone could think I should be 'over all of this by now'......I really do wish it was as simple as that!
Anyway, I refuse to justify my actions any further, please just know that I'm so grateful for the positive comments & encouragement.
Thank you, thank you & thank you again for your support, it means more than you will ever know.
Secondly - & this is mega important now!! - I have a guest blogger visiting this very blog tomorrow!! Her name is Annie, her blog is called Curly Hair & False Eyelashes (please do go & take a look, you'll keep going back I promise you!!) & you CANNOT miss the post she has written for my blog!
This lovely young lady's breast cancer is very advanced now, so much so that 'they' are saying ........well, I'm not gonna go there!!! 'WE' don't care what 'they' are saying cos this girl is a Scouser like me!!
And Scouser equals fighter!!
Bloody hell, I thought I was feisty!! I tell you what, I've met my match with this one!
But we have a saying (which I've nicked from her actually!), cos we're all fighting this together.....& in Annie's own words (this is the bit I've stolen!), 'Fight this f*cker we will!'
Anyway, if you'd care to pop back tomorrow & I urge you to do so, you'll be able to read her post!
This lady is quite simply, truly amazing, inspiring, witty, clever, articulate .......& a bit of a nutter like me!! (Probably why we get on so well!!).
She's so bloody clever, that HER blog regularly has video links on it! And there's a video link on tomorrows post!! Ooooooh!! We've never had one of them on here before have we?!!
Now we all know that I'm a bit of a dinosaur when it comes to technology, I've made no secret of the fact that I'm a technophobe!! I can just about turn the telly over with the remote control (I kid you not!).
So, I'm going to go now & try to figure out how I get the video onto my blog page! (Stop laughing!! It might be easy peasy for you but some of us have yet to learn these things!!).
I'm going now then. Please, please come back tomorrow, I promise you it's well worth a visit!
Please come & meet my amazing friend Annie.
Love Chez. xx
Friday, 8 July 2011
The Week From Hell
This time last Friday I was feeling so down & depressed. I hadn't had a good week after realising yet again how slow this recovery process is. I was once again trying to slow down (even further) what is already life at a snails pace - in fact I do recall writing a post, Life In The Slow Lane, about how easy I have to take everything now - on top of dealing with that, I heard some not so good news about a blogging buddy, had a very disappointing meeting with my plastic surgeon & then!!! I was hit with a real bolt out of the blue which just left me feeling truly devastated.
It would seem that somebody thinks I'm enjoying my recovery a little bit too much!
Apparently I'm having a whale of a time! Obviously the person doesn't read this blog!
I've had to 'unfriend' people on Facebook.
Not because I don't trust them but because I don't want anybody put in a position where they are having to defend MY actions.
I take full responsibility for myself. If there's anybody who thinks I'm having a great time at the moment then I will gladly swap places with them.
I'm deeply saddened by the fact that I'm even having to justify my recovery & can only say that 'you' will never understand what I've been through & what I'm still going through now unless you happen to be faced with this disease yourself. God forbid that ever happening & I mean that SO much, I really do.
It would seem that somebody thinks I'm enjoying my recovery a little bit too much!
Apparently I'm having a whale of a time! Obviously the person doesn't read this blog!
I've had to 'unfriend' people on Facebook.
Not because I don't trust them but because I don't want anybody put in a position where they are having to defend MY actions.
I take full responsibility for myself. If there's anybody who thinks I'm having a great time at the moment then I will gladly swap places with them.
I'm deeply saddened by the fact that I'm even having to justify my recovery & can only say that 'you' will never understand what I've been through & what I'm still going through now unless you happen to be faced with this disease yourself. God forbid that ever happening & I mean that SO much, I really do.
Monday, 4 July 2011
Six Months Later
I had the first mammogram that kicked off all of this breast cancer crap, on 4th January this year.
Exactly six months ago today.
How ironic that it's Independence Day! OK, I know I'm in the UK, but I feel totally dependant at the moment, I'm leaning heavily on my counsellor, Breast Care Nurse & a few trusted friends but I can't help feeling angry now. Angry that cancer has impacted on EVERY area of my life & angry that I've been forced to deal with it.
It feels like it was only last week since I was diagnosed; I can't believe how fast the months have gone by. It sure has been a lightning ride. Yet at the same time, it feels like the longest period of my life.
And that's all I can really say for the moment!
Cos yes, I'm f*cking depressed, AGAIN. It was just too good to be true. I've had THREE lots of really shit news in the past week & ALL of the shit has been caused by breast cancer.
I really don't want to go into any of it at the moment, I'm still processing I think.....& still reeling from shock, despair & disappointment.
I saw my plastic surgeon, Ms N, for the second time on Friday & again, our meeting was emotional & a total let down.....for me anyway.
Oh yeah, I've had my 3rd Zoladex injection today & true to form, my tummy is very sore at the site of the injection & it's bloated & feels bruised.
The night sweats & hot flushes will start again in about three days.......
Anyway, I'm just letting you know where I'm up to, six months on & how very different things in my life are now.
I can think of a plus point though.
Since starting out on this journey, I have experienced true friendship, love & compassion & I thank my loving family & fabulous friends for that. I've made many new friends too, people who I met at the very start of this who have remained true to their words, old friends that have gotten in touch & all of whom have supported & comforted me, even though sometimes we were strangers before.
So yes, I'm depressed & insular for the moment but I'll be OK soon.......dunno how soon but soon enough. Bear with me.
Love Chez. xx
Exactly six months ago today.
How ironic that it's Independence Day! OK, I know I'm in the UK, but I feel totally dependant at the moment, I'm leaning heavily on my counsellor, Breast Care Nurse & a few trusted friends but I can't help feeling angry now. Angry that cancer has impacted on EVERY area of my life & angry that I've been forced to deal with it.
It feels like it was only last week since I was diagnosed; I can't believe how fast the months have gone by. It sure has been a lightning ride. Yet at the same time, it feels like the longest period of my life.
And that's all I can really say for the moment!
Cos yes, I'm f*cking depressed, AGAIN. It was just too good to be true. I've had THREE lots of really shit news in the past week & ALL of the shit has been caused by breast cancer.
I really don't want to go into any of it at the moment, I'm still processing I think.....& still reeling from shock, despair & disappointment.
I saw my plastic surgeon, Ms N, for the second time on Friday & again, our meeting was emotional & a total let down.....for me anyway.
Oh yeah, I've had my 3rd Zoladex injection today & true to form, my tummy is very sore at the site of the injection & it's bloated & feels bruised.
The night sweats & hot flushes will start again in about three days.......
Anyway, I'm just letting you know where I'm up to, six months on & how very different things in my life are now.
I can think of a plus point though.
Since starting out on this journey, I have experienced true friendship, love & compassion & I thank my loving family & fabulous friends for that. I've made many new friends too, people who I met at the very start of this who have remained true to their words, old friends that have gotten in touch & all of whom have supported & comforted me, even though sometimes we were strangers before.
So yes, I'm depressed & insular for the moment but I'll be OK soon.......dunno how soon but soon enough. Bear with me.
Love Chez. xx
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)