2012 has been a crazy, amazing, fantastic & enlightening year in so many ways for me.
Looking back now, while I'm trying to create a synopsis of the year, I'm finding it impossible to know where to begin.....maybe I'll take the lazy way out.....hmm.....a list? Maybe just list a few things from each month? It might go on a bit. Ok. Here goes:
January. After the highs of having my first family Christmas in Liverpool for nearly nine years & spending the preceding months settling into our new home, I felt really low towards the end of this month. I started seeing a psychologist which I found no help whatsoever & I met with the surgeons who were going to perform my reconstructive surgery for the first time. I also had the blood test for the BRCA 1 & 2 cancer causing genes. Being told I might have to wait for up to six months for the results of this test didn't go down well but realistically, I should've anticipated this as - with pretty much everything cancer-test-results related - all you can do is wait. And wait. and wait. It wasn't all bad in January though, I was proud & honoured to be asked to write some blog posts for Breast Cancer Cares website, which I did. It felt great to be able to share my experiences with a wider audience & I was overwhelmed with messages of support.
By February, I was actually losing the will to live & I was shocked & devastated when I had a complete meltdown in the early part of this month. I found it really hard to admit to myself & to those around me (who could already see that I was losing the plot in a big way!), that I needed a lot more support than I was letting on. Bring on the anti-depressants. It still saddens me deeply to think that I actually thought about ending my life at this time. The only thing that stopped me doing something foolish was the thought of my beautiful, amazing mini-me, my daughter, Laiken Jade. In all of my darkest moments (& there have been a fair few), she is the one & only thing that has kept me going.
Also in February - & I don't usually divulge details of my love life in this blog - I started a new relationship with someone who will hereinafter be referred to as my stalker. Yes, my stalker.
What a fucking loon he turned out to be! The stalker started off lovely (as they always do!) then made the grave mistake of trying to tell me how to live my life, how to bring up my daughter & stating what he thought I should be doing, as in, getting back to work & 'forgetting' about cancer RIGHT THEN & THERE!! Anyway, needless to say, he didn't last long but he did continue to pester me for a long time afterwards. Hence the stalker moniker. It was amusing for a short while but the less said about all that the better methinks.....
A positive in February though, was that I got to meet up with an actor friend of mine from London. At the time, he was in a production that I went along to see in Liverpool & it was so lovely to spend some time with him & then, totally FANTASTIC to hear that not long afterwards, he landed a part in 'Batman: The Dark Knight Rises'!! I still haven't seen it (I'm such a bad friend!) but to say that I'm really proud to know him is an understatement cos you truly, could never wish to meet, such a lovely, down to earth guy as him. He truly deserves every success in his career & I'm so glad he's my friend.
The beginning of March brought my fabulous BFF Dawnie from Swansea to Liverpool & during her stay we tried to get out & about a bit & I got to ride the 'Ferry 'cross the Mersey' for the first time in many, many years! It was brilliant but freeeeeezing! My mood was really starting to pick up around this time (that'll be the anti-depressants kicking in!) & it was lovely to celebrate my sisters engagement with our family & friends. I'm really looking forward to being her Maid of Honour next year. The end of the month saw another influx of Welshiness as my 'boyo' from Wales turned up. Funny how we originally met, three days before my mastectomy & rather than running a mile that night when I told him I had breast cancer, he gave me the biggest hug ever & we've been firm friends ever since. He means such a lot to me, I do actually love him to bits. This isn't a secret by the way, I tell him so all the time (& I make him tell me that he loves me too, even though he doesn't 'love' me in that sense, he just tells me for a quiet life!). He gave me so much confidence after my first surgery & I'll never forget that. I was delighted when he offered to be the male model in the photo shoot that I was planning & by this time, I'd also started exercising to get in shape for not only my surgery, but also for the shoot. Which ended up happening a lot quicker than I thought it would as, in April, I met the hugely talented photographer James Lacey at a charity fashion event. I told him that I had been inspired by David Jays The Scar Project & we started making plans to make it happen. April also saw me coming off the sledgehammer of a drug called Zoladex which I'd blamed for my suicidal tendencies for the nine months I'd been having it. I was glad to see the back of those painful, monthly injections into my tummy. I also stopped seeing the psychologist as I felt our sessions were getting me nowhere. The results of my BRCA tests were back this month too & came back as an 'uninformative result'. This was upsetting for me as I'd rather know one way or another if I carry these faulty genes but, they just can't tell me for sure. Given the fact that we have other female relatives who've had breast cancer, my sister has been advised to have high risk breast screening & my daughter & probably my niece, will have to have the test when they're both older. Not great but at least they'll be able to have the test; some people would like to have it but don't fit the 'criteria'.......which I find disgusting in all honesty.
Let's move on to May. Oh what a month! Mid May brought the boyo back to Liverpool for a few days for the photo shoot. Always happy to see him & glad of his support, it was a surreal & emotional experience for me but, looking back, I'm so glad that I did it. The photos have since been picked up by various publications & last week, Breast Cancer Care used one of the pics as an 'attention grabber' to get more people to visit their site. Enough about that though, the post I wrote before this one tells you a bit more about it! (And if you go through my older posts, all the other campaign work details are there somewhere!)
And my 40th birthday!! Right at the end of May, I went on - what can only be described as - a five day bender. Yes, I partied like it was 1999 & I loved every minute of it. Even when we got thrown out of the club we were in for being drunk & disorderly! When I blogged about my birthday celebrations I didn't actually mention this at the time but yes, it's true. On my 40th birthday I was thrown out of a nightclub. Soooooo, let's move swiftly on to June......
Which was another exciting month! I travelled down to London to take part in a photo shoot & article for The Daily Mail newspaper. Again, another experience that I would never have had if it weren't for breast cancer & I was also in 'Love It!' magazine too. Whilst I was happy to do the article for 'Love It!' at the time, my best friend Kerry has since told me it was too 'Jeremy Kyle'......so I don't think I'll be doing much more of that kind of 'work'. Ever. Again.
The weather was glorious in Liverpool for much of July, I had a lovely tan when Laiken & I went back down to South Wales for a few days to stay with Dawnie & it was brilliant to see my boyo again & so many of my friends! I'll always love Wales, my daughter will never forget where she comes from & we'll definitely be back there again soon!
After leaving Wales, I had a lovely surprise when I got home, I met up with a very old friend, someone who I hadn't seen in nearly thirty years! It was totally amazing to see him, he hadn't changed one bit & we laughed like we used to in primary school! I'd often thought of him over the years, I always wondered where he was, what he was doing, how life had turned out for him......it was great to catch up & was definitely one of the great highlights of my year.
There were two,
Yes, here I go again, divulging details of my love life, probably against my better judgement too but you know, how can I miss out a happening in my life that, for a while, changed everything? My recovery from my operation was made easy by this person, he was there for me every single day & night. Despite looking & feeling like I'd just gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson, he made me feel fantastic. I was so happy, it'd been years since I'd felt that strongly about anyone, I thought I'd met 'The One' & I've never said that about anybody. Not even my daughters father! I really did think my life was complete. It was exciting & lovely & I thought he was perfect. Still do actually. Those two & half weeks were amazing & I won't forget them in a hurry......
So, September. I was still in love & it was time to celebrate another important milestone, my gorgeous sisters 30th birthday. I also had my first 'fill' of saline fluid into my new expander implant so all in all, I was pretty much still having a great time, I was happy, getting my shape back & up to now, I'd had an incredible year.
October. Still loving my shape. Happy with my continued involvement with campaign stuff for Breast Cancer Care. Still exercising & following a healthy eating regime like some kind of obsessed maniac. Still loving my life in so many ways. As for romance......this is when I began to realise.....that at some point, it ALWAYS happens.....loves gonna get you down :(
November. Applied for a job. Got it. YAY! (Still waiting for a start date as we speak though).
Was supposed to go down to Wales but couldn't make it so I was pretty hacked off about that. Enquired about a vacant property I'd seen, applied for it, got it, just waiting for the keys now.......But then, started feeling really down again as my suspicions were confirmed. 'The One' isn't actually in any position to be 'The One' for me. Gutted isn't the word. MORE anti-depressants it is then. (Also even more gutted cos I turned down a winter holiday with my boyo cos I don't & won't cheat! Talk about putting all your eggs in one basket! Lesson learned! You can bet your bottom dollar that I won't be doing that again in a hurry!)
I stop listening to Maroon 5.
Now. December 2012.
OMG. FML!!! FFS!!! (For those who may not know, this translates as Oh my God. F*ck my life!!! For f*cks sake!!!)
Five years ago, even three years ago, my life was so very, very different. Now I find myself going to live in a house in the area that I grew up in. The job I'm going to be starting after Christmas is the job I left before I went to live in Wales.
Ever feel like you've come full circle? Ever wonder what the f*ck is going on & what the hell is gonna happen next??
I'm a mainly positive person & I know that a lot of people will see these new events about to happen in my life as positive, which they are, of course they are but, sometimes I feel like it's two steps forward, three steps back. After publishing this post I know that I'm going to feel a hell of a lot better because I've put it all 'out there' again. It's my way of coping I guess, I've always said that this blog has been cathartic for me. Bloody hell, I've even crossed into unchartered territory this evening by talking about my love life - or the disaster that I call my love life. Which is probably why I usually steer clear of mentioning it! Thinking about it, my love life probably deserves a whole blog of its own......hmm! Maybe not actually!
Anyway! There's NO WAY I'm going to let this year end on a downer. Yes I'm at another major crossroads again, new home, new job & hopefully by March latest, a new body shape. I've come such a long way since those dark days in February, there have been so many amazing things that have happened this year, I've had so much support from so many people, it astounds me that perfect strangers as well as friends, new & old, are still interested in how I'm getting on......I can't let other, more recent events take the shine away from that.
More than anything else this year, I've enjoyed spending lots of quality time with my family, especially with my daughter & with my niece & nephew. They NEVER fail to bring a smile to my face, I'm really looking forward to Christmas with the kids! I'll be sad to go back to work in one way cos I won't be taking Laiken to & from school. It'll probably be my mum cooking her evening meal now but then we'll still have the weekends, I'll definitely be taking her back down to Wales next year & we're hoping to get abroad at some point too. 2013 is all about Laiken & I getting our lives back. That's the plan. It's all about me & her.
So life goes on. When I wrote 'Feng Shui for the soul', I said that I always believe that I'm exactly where I should be. And I still do believe that. It's hard to see where it's all going sometimes but as someone pointed out recently, 'It's all part of lifes rich tapestry'.
"Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge." ~ Eckhart Tolle
If I don't get back to my blog before the new year, I would like to thank you all right here & now for your continued support, ALL OF YOU have been amazing throughout this year & last year, it's both encouraging but humbling to know that so many people care about me, the support I've had for my campaign work has been overwhelming & I really can't find the words to describe how much your love & good wishes have carried me through this year, I really mean every word of that.
Wishing every single one of you a very Merry Christmas & best wishes for a happy, healthy, peaceful & prosperous 2013.
|With lots of love from Chez & Laiken Jade ♥ xx|
"It's all about us baby girl."