It's 3am. I'm getting up at 6am to go to work but I'm wide awake, I've been tossing & turning for hours.....
I'm back on Tamoxifen after a 5 week break & boy am I feeling it. All the symptoms which I'd kinda learnt to control are back with a vengeance & on Wednesday evening, I got myself into such a state, I actually thought I was dying for a while. I got really scared.
It started off with chest pains whilst I was at work on Wednesday afternoon, I was also having shooting pains in my right leg, horrible, kind of 'in the bone' pain if you can understand that? Then my left leg & my back started hurting. Really hurting. Anyway, long story short, after having a massive panic attack, scans to check for blood clots, a round of blood tests & a lengthy conversation with my breast care nurse, the 'bone' pain was put down to Tamoxifen induced muscle & joint pain (a common side effect), low sodium levels, low blood pressure & the chest pains? Sheer anxiety. I know exactly what's eating me up inside.
I need to get this off my chest. And for once, there is definitely no pun intended here at all. And to my sister, Leah; I'm sorry to moan but I need to get this out.
I'm starting to feel like I shouldn't talk about breast cancer any more.
I'm pretty sure I bore most of the people around me but certain, recent events have made me think this even more.....& now, I don't like mentioning any symptoms, fears....I just wish it had all never happened to me.
Oh shit, here's the tears I've been trying to keep at bay for a few weeks now, I can hardly see the screen. I'm not looking for sympathy, not in the slightest, in fact, I've been so stupid, ridiculously stupid, that I probably deserve all of this. I must have "I'm the most gullible person in the world" tattoo-ed across my forehead. I'm such an idiot.
I started seeing someone new in early February. Before we even went out I told him I'd had breast cancer, that I was awaiting further surgery etc etc....he said he was fine with it.
A few months down the line & the relationship wasn't really working out. Not for me anyway, so I ended it. It was an amicable split & when he messaged me to say he missed me, I felt like I missed him too BUT I KNEW it wasn't going to go anywhere. I agreed to see him though & we talked about how things had been when we were together.....he was surprised at some of the things I said, he thought we were getting on great. He still seemed like a really nice guy - just not the right kind of guy for me.
Anyway.....again, long story short.
Just before we split, I had the feeling he was back in touch with his ex. I don't know why I thought it, I just had a feeling.
This woman was, according to him, an evil, psychopathic bitch who made up lies about him, tried to ruin his livelihood, stalked him, hacked his Facebook account etc etc. He actually told me that he - & a girl he'd been seeing before me - had taken out harassment orders against her because she was persecuting them that much. And I believed him.
This is actually all irrelevant, let's cut to the chase.
AFTER we'd split, AFTER I had a lengthy telephone conversation with the ex who contacted me out of the blue (who wasn't a psycho AT ALL), AFTER I'd wished them both well (I mean, come on! By this point I'd already decided I was better off out of it!) AFTER I thought, ah well, sad, but you win some you lose some......he verbally attacked me.
Really awful, nasty, disgusting abuse that I couldn't quite believe at the time. I was in shock. I still am. Ha, it's actually keeping me awake at night. Like now.
I know what he said shouldn't get to me. It was totally the opposite of what he used to say to me (well it would be, wouldn't it?).....they're just words after all....funny how we remember the insults & the bad things people say to or about us....
*deep deep breath*
I've been waiting for this reconstruction for over two years. The thought of having this reconstruction has kept me going over the past two years.
Physically, (apart from feeling like I was dying for a short time last week), I'm healing really, really well. The last drain was taken out almost 2 weeks ago & I went back to work last Monday. My scar is neat, the symmetry that my amazing plastic surgeons have achieved is fantastic & they really have done a superb job.
I should be jumping for joy & be ecstatically happy right now.
He's just taken the shine off EVERYTHING. Every feeling I thought I'd be feeling now.....I just feel like my heart's breaking.
I was so looking forward to re-starting my life. This is what I've been waiting for.
He's just reminded me that my body is never going to be the same again. My 'new' breast is never going to match the 'old' one completely & I'm struggling to get past his words.
He sent me a picture of a glamour model & a message.....'These are real t*ts. Not like that nipple-less lump that you've got.'
He called me every name under the sun & then some. I can't really remember them. But the photograph & what he said about my brand new breast & its shape? I just can't get the image & the words out of my head & it's killing me.
Ha, more tears, I feel like slapping myself at the moment. Get your shit together Chez you've got work at 8am. Fuck, I can hear the birds outside now.....
I feel like I want to hide away. For fucks sake, I come across as confident, bubbly, happy....right now I just feel completely bereft. I feel sick. I feel stupid, so so stupid.
I don't know what else to say.
All the body issues that breast cancer brings....my main issue throughout all of this has been my body image....I thought I'd dealt with them. They're back. Crushing me. And it's all because of breast cancer.
So....I'm going to try not to talk about it any more. I feel like I never want to hear those fucking words again. Breast cancer. It has fucked my life up in so many ways.....
Now, I actually feel ashamed of the way I've played out this 'journey' so publicly. I feel like I want to crawl under a rock & stay there forever. And because I've laid my life bare, for all to see/read, I feel totally exposed & you know what? I've brought it all upon myself.
I know what you're all going to say....take no notice/he didn't deserve you/he's just an idiot/you're still beautiful/brave/inspirational....
Yes I know he's an idiot but that doesn't take away the way I'm feeling right now.
I feel like I'll never trust anyone again. To be so cruel....
Maybe it's the wake up call I've needed?
A short, sharp shock.
Maybe it's because I'm now 41 & it's just so hard to see where I go from here?
Talk about knocking your confidence. What little I had left just got trodden all over.
I'm taking a break from blogging.
Thank you for all of the support you've given me over the last two & a bit years.
You lot have gotten me through some very, very tough times.
Thank you to all the people who contact me telling me that they draw some comfort in some way from my blog....I'm so, so sorry if anybody feels like I'm abandoning them.....but I think I just need some time out.
I am probably the worst role model in the history of the world.
I wish you all love, light & happiness.....
I think it's time to shut up.
Love Chez. xx